How to be happier in 3 simple steps

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surrealist painting digital art of woman's head breaking open via Dall-E

I am not a happy person. I am, in fact, kind of a miserable fuck. And I have been for as long as I can remember. I had insomnia, anxiety, and irritable bowel syndrome in middle school. Even my 8 year old journals are kind of angsty. My favorite poet in middle school was Edgar Allen Poe, alright? My therapist told me I may have dysrhythmia, which is basically persistent low-level depression.

I go into funks, but not to the “not showering, can’t work” extent. More just like I’m even worse about texting people back and don’t do my hobbies. But I’m also just generally always kind of having a worse time than the average person, even when my life is going really well. My baseline level of happiness is lower than average. We’ll talk more about this concept later. 

I don’t read a lot about things I’ve already got a decent handle on. Like how to produce large quantities of decent copy. I’ve got that down. But I’ve read a lot about happiness. I’ve especially read a lot about what science says about happiness. So I want to share with you what I’ve learned. And I think you’ll benefit. Besides, people who are naturally happy are not the people who should be giving advice on how to learn to be happy, imho. 

I want to walk you through an overview of what I think is important to know about the existing research on happiness. Then we’ll get into the three key habits that studies show can actually increase your baseline level of happiness over the long-term. 

So, how happy can you be? It’s interesting to know what research says.

Two things to know, which I’ve already written about. First, everyone has a baseline level of happiness determined by our genes and childhood. This baseline has bands, meaning how happy and unhappy you can possibly be.

Second, the research indicates that actively trying to be happier will only make you less happy. To live near the top of your band you need to go after something that’s likely to lead to happiness, rather than happiness itself.

Another interesting finding about change in general is that your belief in your ability to change is extremely predictive. Some people are able to change their personalities, habits, and baseline levels of happiness. Some are not. One of the best predictors of which camp you’re in is whether you believe you can change. I’d like to encourage you to consider the possibility that you’re one of the people capable of change.

Okay, all that said, here are the three steps:

1. Optimize for comfort and meaning

“Happiness” is a bit of a tricky concept. You can feel happy sitting on the beach with a pina colada in hand. You can also feel happy covered in dirt with muscles aching from putting a new roof on a low-income family’s house.

Happiness is often a combination of two concepts: comfort and meaning. If you’re too uncomfortable too long it’s hard to stay happy for obvious reasons. But if you’re too comfortable for too long it’s also hard to stay happy because it’s hard to have any sense of meaning without any discomfort.

I’m putting this idea first because I believe becoming consistently happier on average means committing to the idea of regularly, intentionally putting yourself through a tolerable amount of discomfort. And following the advice in the rest of this list will entail some discomfort.

2. Put your relationships first

Again, as previously discussed, the number and quality of your interpersonal relationships is the number-one determinant of your happiness.

Here’s the thing. People are annoying as hell. They hurt our feelings. They irritate us. They are messy and frustrating and frightening and exhausting. Kind of like exercise. Like exercise, you might feel worse in the moment hanging out with someone versus sitting on your couch alone. But like exercise, you’re going to be happier and live longer if you endure the momentary discomfort for the long-term benefits.

And just like you’ll get stronger and live longer if you stress your muscles, you’ll get stronger and live longer if you stress your social muscles. And like with physical exercise, it gets easier over time. Similarly, it gets harder the longer you avoid it as your abilities atrophy.

So if you want to get happier, do your reps! Show up to the gym (a social event). Increase your weight (be more vulnerable). And don’t forget to rest.

And, sorry, but the research is super, super clear that you will also need to literally exercise and eat right for maximum happiness.

3. Increase your openness to experience

Openness to experience is one of the Big Five (OCEAN) personality traits. It refers to being open to new experiences as well as people and points of view. High-openness people tend to be less judgmental and more open-minded. They have a high tolerance for diversity in all forms. They tend to be more cosmopolitan and less authoritarian.

According to Psychology Today, “Openness is correlated with higher measures of well-being, including overall happiness. People high in this trait feel more positive and have warm and loving relationships with the people around them. Research has not found any noteworthy correlation between openness and anxiety or other mood disorders.”

Like happiness, Big Five personality traits tend to be pretty stable over a lifetime. However, like happiness, it is possible for some people to change their personality and happiness levels over time. Again here, it’s very helpful to believe you’re capable of change.

As our boy Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do.” You want to be a person with high openness? Act like one repeatedly. Or, as they say in AA, “Act yourself into right thinking.”

I’ve personally become higher openness over time. I used to be much more closed-minded, fearful of anything new or different, and judgmental than I am today. I highly recommend you just read Atomic Habits and just sub in every habit for whatever a high-openness person would do.

So what would a high-openness person do? Gosh, there are innumerable examples. They’d go to the party. They’d hear out the dissenting view. They’d befriend the stranger.

But the central idea that separates (I think) high-openness behavior from low-openness behavior (and a fun, interesting life from a boring, unhappy one) is curiosity.

A low-openness person approaches new and different with fear and aversion. The high-openness person approaches new and different with curiosity. You don’t have to like or accept something because it’s new and different. Sometimes new and different things are bad and dangerous. But to be high-openness means to be willing to consider the idea that you might not.

You might not know everything pertinent to or interesting about a particular person, place, or thing. You might be surprised at how your initial reaction changes once you get more information. You might enjoy it even though you thought you wouldn’t.

I literally cannot articulate how much replacing judgment with curiosity can improve your life. Nor can I articulate how much it’s improved mine.

People, including and especially myself, become so much less painful when I approach conflict with curiosity instead of judgment. Instead of “I am so stupid for feeling this way” I try to ask myself “What exactly am I feeling and what might it be telling me about my situation?”

Instead of thinking, “You are so stupid for acting like this,” I try to wonder, “Do you have any unmet needs that are prompting this behavior?”

In sum

These three steps are simple, yes. But they’re not easy. They are, in fact, very difficult. At least for me. But they’ve helped me and are helping me tremendously. And I hope they can help you too, my babies.