I think I solved loneliness

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Header images come from me putting the headline or some body copy when the headline violates the TOS into OpenAI’s DALL-E. Today’s prompt was “cyberpunk digital art of a red haired girl vaping.”

I’m sitting on my couch vaping cannabis. It’s my first full day without cigarettes since my last quit a month or so ago. Or maybe I’m in the shower by this point. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that something occurs to me. An answer to a question that’s been bothering me for a long time.

So we learned in Loneliness and other reading that humans evolved to need social connection almost like we need food and water. Our brains literally whither without it. If that’s true, why do so many of us (me) prefer to live alone? Why do we spend so much time avoiding each other? Why does my dad want to live out in the woods where he can’t see any neighbors?

It’s so obvious. Not obviously true. I have no idea whether my theory is true. But it’s a pretty obvious explanation that I can’t believe took me so long to come to.

Socialization is like physical exercise.

Here’s what we have good evidence for:

• Just like our muscles atrophy if we don’t use them, the parts of our brains associated with socialization atrophy if we don’t use them as intended.

• Just like (for many of us) it’s more comfortable in the moment to sit on the couch than begin to exercise, it’s more comfortable to be alone than begin to socialize.

• Just like our muscles get sore when we stress them, we get stressed emotionally when we get outside our comfort zone socially.

• Just like exercise gets more rewarding the more we do it, so it is with socializing.

• Just as not exercising or socializing won’t kill us today, each slowly kills us over the long-term.

For most of human history, our ancestors had no choice. They didn’t need the self-control to put aside what’s comfortable in the moment to do what will make them happiest and healthiest over the long-term because moving their bodies and being physically and emotionally close to other humans were necessary for survival.

It’s only in periods of material abundance that one can survive in the short-term without physical activity and/or social connection. Even today, people living at subsistence tend to be less lonely than people living in abundance.

I think it might be helpful to start thinking about and dealing with loneliness like we think about and deal with physical exercise.

Like physical exercise, different people have different levels of need and capacity for social connection. Some people feel best when they run on pavement for many hours per week. That murders my hips. I prefer about 30 minutes of gentle yoga and 30 minutes of walking on my treadmill 3-6x/week.

The baseline, according to the CDC, for physical activity every week seems to be a minimum of 150 minutes of moderate intensity, 75 minutes of vigorous, or an equivalent combination.

Maybe it would be helpful for the CDC to recommend a baseline for social connection.

There’s a measurable difference in average happiness between people who spend time with their friends at least once per month and people who interact with friends less often.

But what’s more important is probably for each of us to understand the level of social connection we need to feel our best. Maybe it’s 150 minutes of casual conversation or body doubling or 75 minutes of deep, intimate connection or some equivalent combination.

And like exercise, most of us probably won’t thrive if we only socialize when we happen upon the desire and time to do it. It will probably help to approach socialization like exercise. It’s something we need to habitualize.

Treating forming and maintaining social bonds like forming and maintaining physical fitness is one possibly helpful approach to loneliness at the individual level. But what about at the societal level?

Interestingly, our built environments are as antithetical to physical fitness as they are to social bonds. Long commutes from car-bound suburbs force us to be both physically sedentary and socially isolated. Dense, walkable communities not only build physical activity into our daily routines, but keep us in close physical proximity to other humans. Lawns and square footage don’t make us happy. Moving our bodies and forming close social bonds do. It’s beyond stupid to see so many Americans sacrifice the things that make life pleasant and meaningful to play zero-sum status games.

“In rich countries, where minimum material living conditions are often satisfied, people may struggle to become happier because they are targeting material rather than social goals.” -Esteban Ortiz-Ospina and Max Roser, Loneliness and Social Connections

It’s interesting how we have this whole infrastructure around physical fitness — mandatory classes in school, public awareness campaigns, a gym on every corner, books, podcasts, classes for adults, etc. And yet where is the infrastructure around social connection? Where are the classes in school where kids learn how to connect? Where are the PSAs? Where can I pay $30/mo for a dedicated place to meet my need for social connection? Where are the books, podcasts, and classes for adults?

Loneliness is just as deadly over the long-term as inactivity, and much moreso if you count deaths of despair, which I do. But because we can see obesity (which correlates pretty weakly with exercise anyway, but I digress) more clearly than we can see loneliness we’re treating one like an emergency while virtually ignoring the problem that is, by all measures, more severe.

Seems bad, my babies. Seems real bad.

It’s especially sad because evidence suggests people can purposely decide to improve their social relations and become happier as a result. One study in Germany asked participants to write down how they could improve their life satisfaction.

Our World in Data reports:

Researchers found that those who reported socially-engaged strategies (e.g. “I plan to spend more time with friends and family”) often reported improvements in life satisfaction one year later; while those who described other non-social active pursuits (e.g. “I plan to find a better job”) did not report increased life satisfaction.16

Something to consider!