Cathy reads books: Loneliness
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I’m finally reviewing Loneliness. If you haven’t, check out my interview with one of the authors. It’s written by a researcher and a co-author so it’s full of interesting studies and facts. For a rundown of tidbits, here’s my Twitter thread.
Below are the main points I gleaned from the book.
First, loneliness is a feeling like cold or thirst. It’s a signal that you’re not getting enough of something you need to survive and thrive. We’re a social species.
Second, the book posits a theory that just like different people get cold at different temperatures and have different hunger levels, people are born with different levels of need for social connection. Not only that, but just like being cold or hungry is mild uncomfortable for some people and intolerable for others, we’re born with different levels of discomfort when our need for connection isn’t fully met. The book was published in 2008, and a lot of what’s in it has filtered out into the general consciousness. I’m surprised this part hasn’t. I think it’s a useful complement to the whole introvert/extrovert dichotomy.
Another part that was interesting is that when they studied lonely people vs non-lonely people they didn’t find any differences in social skills, attractiveness, age, etc. At first. But as people stay lonely over years and decades, their cognitive abilities decline and that impacts their ability to correctly interpret social cues and gain benefit from social interactions. Chronically lonely people got less enjoyment out of even positive social interactions. Loneliness is self-reinforcing.
In sum, loneliness is a normal human emotion. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. But if left untreated, it will damage you over the long-term physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Just like you need to grab a snack when you’re hungry or a sweater when you’re cold, you need to reach out when you’re feeling lonely. Counterintuitively, if it doesn’t seem to help much, that might be a signal that you need it more.