7 steps for men who want closer friendships
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I’m reading two books about male plight. One is The Hazards of Being Male. The other is Of Boys and Men. Hazards came out in the 70s. Of Boys came out this year. Of Boys talks about how much discussion focuses on what’s wrong with men rather than the structural problems facing men. The Psychology Today article I was addressing in my post The rise of lonely, single men certainly fits this description.
I think focusing on structural problems is generally more beneficial than focusing on individual choices. You should probably work on making it cheaper and easier to buy fishing rods before you start teaching any individual man to fish. Or at least that’s the role I’d rather play.
But people like self-help, if sales are anything to go by.
One thing I keep noticing in my reading is that social isolation continues to be one of the biggest problems facing men, whether in the 70s or today. As I’ve pointed out, developed liberal democracies are pretty lonely and men are especially lonely.
On page 147 of Hazards, author Herb Goldberg offers advice for men who want to have more close friends.
Here’s my summary, with lots of editorializing:
Figure out which qualities you like and don’t like in other people. As I’ve written recently, keep an eye toward how much you feel you need to mask around different people. The people who make you feel like you can be your weird little self are going to be less draining to be around.
Literally draw a diagram with you at the center. Place the names of people in your life around your name with those who you feel close to nearer your name and those you feel more distant from further away.
Identify good candidates for closer friendships by asking yourself questions about each person, such as:
How do I feel when I’m vulnerable with them?
Do I feel comfortable calling or visiting them just to chat?
Is there mutual respect and admiration?
Is there mutual envy or resentment?
Do we seem to embarrass the other?
Do I feel comfortable asking them for a favor?
Do I trust them with my partner, my stuff, etc.?
Do we help each other grow?
Am I curious about getting to know them better?
Once you find some good candidates, test out a closer friendship. Talk with them about what you want and don’t want in a friend.
Get together regularly.
Talk about it if and when they hurt your feelings.
Test out being vulnerable with them, asking for favors, accepting their help, trusting them, etc.