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If you’d rather watch me read this:
My friend (and fellow Alabamian and Substack-er) Kyle Borland just sent me The Rise of Lonely, Single Men: Dating apps and a drastically changing relationship landscape from Psychology Today.
Greg Matos PsyD begins by pointing out that younger and middle-aged men are the loneliest they’ve been in generations, and it’s probably going to get worse. Atomization is definitely something I’ve been covering in these posts. The evidence does show that men are lonelier than women, on average. Women are more satisfied with their number of friends. Some studies show women reporting more loneliness, but nearly all studies I’m aware of show women are less socially isolated than men on average and it may be that women are just more likely to recognize and admit to their loneliness. Single men are especially at risk for both social isolation and reported loneliness.
Matos references research showing that single men are much more likely to be lonely than partnered men. And they’re less healthy and happy on average as well. This is much less true for women. The average single woman is actually healthier, happier, and less lonely than her partnered counterpart.
With rates of sex, dating, and marriage falling, Matos is probably right that things aren’t looking good for men, loneliness-wise. And, perhaps importantly, if present trends continue, the outcome will be much worse for men than it is for women. That is, men stand to lose a lot more than women if rates of sex, dating, and marriage keep falling.
Which is part of the reason I’m focused on men right now.
And it’s part of what’s so frustrating about the idea that marriage rates are declining because men don’t want to marry today’s women. If that’s true, and I don’t believe it is, then men are idiots. I believe it’s not true in part because only 5% of Americans who have never been married say they don't want to ever get married. In another survey more than half of never-married adults said they want to marry and ~1/5 of previously married adults said they want to re-marry. Men were more likely than women to say they want to remarry.
Heterosexual marriage has long been a much better deal for men than for women and it’s only getting moreso.
Besides the mental and physical health benefits and the loneliness reduction, let’s also talk about income and time-use surveys. The vast majority of married women work outside the home, bringing in enough income to cover childcare and then some. They also spend more time than their husbands on childcare and domestic labor. This is true even when the husband doesn’t work at all.
The average American woman is better-educated than the average American man, a trend that’s only getting more pronounced. The majority of job growth in the US is concentrated in fields equally or better suited to women. Meanwhile incomes and labor force participation rates are falling for men in the bottom half of earners.
And let’s of course not forget that men on average are much more likely to have criminal records than women. Wives are much more likely to be victims of intimate partner violence than are men, and far far more likely to be killed by their spouse.
And let’s talk about how on average men’s wages rise after marriage and having kids while women’s declines.
You want to talk about divorce? While divorce rates are steady, terms have only gotten better for men. Prenups are on the rise. Most states, AFAIK, default to a 50/50 child custody split, and award alimony and child support based on income rather than gender. Again, women are earning more than ever before.
So there’s no evidence that a male reticence to get married is causing declining marriage rates. There’s good evidence that most men, both never married and divorced, want to be married. And lots of very compelling evidence that not only is marriage a great deal for men, it’s never been a better deal than it is now.
Whew. Okay. All that aside, let’s keep reading the Psychology Today article.
Here’s what causing male loneliness, according to Matos:
1. Dating apps (fair enough)
2. The fact that women “prefer men who are emotionally available, good communicators, and share similar values.” No shit.
3. A “relationship skills gap.” “Emotional connection requires all the skills that families are still not consistently teaching their young boys.” In-fucking-deed.
Not much to argue with here. If men aren’t going to be breadwinners, and they’re not going to do childcare or domestic labor, and they aren’t able to offer emotional intimacy or support, it seems pretty obvious to me that the decline in marriage rates is due to the fact that women, not men, are largely opting out of heterosexual marriage.
The rise of lonely, single men