Welcome to Sex and the State, a newsletter about power. I’m a writer working on decriminalizing and destigmatizing all things sex. I synthesize empirical evidence, stories, and personal experience to interrogate existing power structures to propose new, hopefully better, ways of relating.
I resonate with this post especially with your emphasis on presence, intimacy, and vulnerability. I believe tantric practices are helpful for the first two with bdsm contributing to the last ♥️💜♥️
When I was younger I had pretty low self esteem about my attractiveness. I was short and skinny and nerdy and while I had blonde hair and blue eyes I didn't think anyone but men found me attractive. To a certain extent this was true but not to the extent that I thought it was.
I remember we use to have a "puppy pile" in my freshman year in college. It was where a group of young men and women would lie on the floor with the lights low and grope each other. It was a fun and harmless way to explore our sexuality. I really liked this one woman and we would often end up groping each other. I thought she was totally out of my league. Years later when I talked with her about this she said "Oh I wish you had told me, I was into you as well."
Sometimes lack of self esteem can really be a barrier to intimacy. This has happened more than once in my life. I finally got over it in my 30s. But also, I really did become more attractive as I matured, put on some weight and started being successful in my career. I believe that I am attractive today. But for a long time a lack of self esteem held me back from intimacy.
I enjoy sucking cock. It really turns me on. I especially enjoy this when the guy is masculine and straight presenting. I know right? What a dumb thing to be turned on by. That's what I like. I have found a fair number of gay or bisexual lovers who fit the profile and a few *wink* straight guys who wanted me to suck them off.
But I never have the emotional tingle that I get with women. I never really get infatuated or fall in love with a man or anything like that. So the same level of intimacy is just not there. As the young people would call it, I am bisexual but heteroromantic. I don't know why.
I learned pretty early on that I could train my desire, or maybe it trained me. I found that if I was having great sex with a short black haired woman with glasses, I suddenly became more attracted to women like this. If I was having a lot of sex with men, men became more attractive. I decided to train myself to be more attracted to women with darker features, as I noticed that they didn't get as much attention and my chances with them was better.
It is funny, later on in life I dated a super hot blonde woman who is the smartest person I have ever dated. After a few months, she asked me "You don't really like my looks, do you?" and I told a white lie and said, "No, I think you are beautiful." It was not totally a lie because of course I noticed she turned heads when she entered room. But she was right, she wasn't my type. We still had some pretty great sex though. I loved her for her mind.
I resonate with this post especially with your emphasis on presence, intimacy, and vulnerability. I believe tantric practices are helpful for the first two with bdsm contributing to the last ♥️💜♥️
When I was younger I had pretty low self esteem about my attractiveness. I was short and skinny and nerdy and while I had blonde hair and blue eyes I didn't think anyone but men found me attractive. To a certain extent this was true but not to the extent that I thought it was.
I remember we use to have a "puppy pile" in my freshman year in college. It was where a group of young men and women would lie on the floor with the lights low and grope each other. It was a fun and harmless way to explore our sexuality. I really liked this one woman and we would often end up groping each other. I thought she was totally out of my league. Years later when I talked with her about this she said "Oh I wish you had told me, I was into you as well."
Sometimes lack of self esteem can really be a barrier to intimacy. This has happened more than once in my life. I finally got over it in my 30s. But also, I really did become more attractive as I matured, put on some weight and started being successful in my career. I believe that I am attractive today. But for a long time a lack of self esteem held me back from intimacy.
I enjoy sucking cock. It really turns me on. I especially enjoy this when the guy is masculine and straight presenting. I know right? What a dumb thing to be turned on by. That's what I like. I have found a fair number of gay or bisexual lovers who fit the profile and a few *wink* straight guys who wanted me to suck them off.
But I never have the emotional tingle that I get with women. I never really get infatuated or fall in love with a man or anything like that. So the same level of intimacy is just not there. As the young people would call it, I am bisexual but heteroromantic. I don't know why.
I learned pretty early on that I could train my desire, or maybe it trained me. I found that if I was having great sex with a short black haired woman with glasses, I suddenly became more attracted to women like this. If I was having a lot of sex with men, men became more attractive. I decided to train myself to be more attracted to women with darker features, as I noticed that they didn't get as much attention and my chances with them was better.
It is funny, later on in life I dated a super hot blonde woman who is the smartest person I have ever dated. After a few months, she asked me "You don't really like my looks, do you?" and I told a white lie and said, "No, I think you are beautiful." It was not totally a lie because of course I noticed she turned heads when she entered room. But she was right, she wasn't my type. We still had some pretty great sex though. I loved her for her mind.
Do you want our stories here? Maybe I can email them to you or something.
I would absolutely love your stories here.
Where is the smut website? Do you mean OF?
I do