I can’t stop thinking about this study on great sex
Welcome to Sex and the State, a newsletter about power. I’m a writer working on decriminalizing and destigmatizing all things sex. I synthesize empirical evidence, stories, and personal experience to interrogate existing power structures to propose new, hopefully better, ways of relating. To support my work, buy a subscription, follow me on OnlyFans, or just share this post!
I can’t stop thinking about this study on great sex. They found that peak sexual experiences have in common:
Presence, a total absorption in the moment
Intimacy, a deep connection and openness with their partner
Vulnerability, a willingness to take a some emotional risks
I told my friend over dinner that this is the language I’ve been using to talk about the kind of sex I want to have more of.
The Domme class is super interesting. I’m not sure I want to dive super deep into kink though. I’m beginning to be interested in a broader array of sexual questions.
I always thought sex advice was kind of boring. There is, imo, at least to some extent, a “right” way to fuck. Some things are pleasurable to the vast majority of people. A lot of this is mechanical. The coital alignment technique, for example, I believe, is empirically shown to increase the likelihood of orgasm for people with clits.
That is good to know. But it doesn’t leave me with a lot of follow-up questions. I’m much more interested in the parts of sex currently beyond my comprehension. I think the most interesting questions have no one right answer.
I suggested my friend and I watch a Tantra video on YouTube. We found this one and I liked it a lot. After it was over he suggested we cuddle. I asked if he wanted to do the exercise and he declined. At first I felt rejected. But then I felt kind of relieved. It’s scary! Intimacy is frightening. And exciting.
But I was just like, in my own mind: yo dawg, no one can stop me from trying to be present, let go of expectations, and accept that I’m not in control and that’s okay.
And no one did. And it was great. And I plan to write about it in more detail on the smut website.
The point is, I’m considering trying my hand at sex and intimacy coaching. I think the barriers to presence, intimacy, and vulnerability are extremely interesting because I haven’t at all figured them out. And because the rewards are so high when I succeed in lowering those barriers even a tiny bit.
I am severely underqualified for sex and intimacy coaching right now. I don’t want to cause anyone harm or waste their time or money. But I do feel like BDSM is one method which can help people get more presence, intimacy, and vulnerability. It’s one of many. That direction — towards more presence, intimacy, and vulnerability — interests me a lot more than any particular route.
I’m so curious about other people’s barriers to presence, intimacy, and vulnerability. I’m curious about what works for them to get closer to them. I want to hear people’s stories of failure and triumph.
I may start looking for another class to get more qualified. I also may start hosting an office hours or offering phone sex or something to get some lower-stakes practice and start hearing people’s stories. I’m open to suggestions. But I’m super excited to be learning.