American men don't want American women anymore

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I tried to resist clicking on “American Men Are No Longer Interested in American Women: The Dating Wars Are On.” I really did. Reading the post, I realized that my writing on the topic answered a different question than I thought.

The fact: Rates of sex, dating, and marriage are on the decline for Americans.

The question I thought I was answering in my writing on the topic: Is this because American women are rejecting American men en masse, or the opposite? Or, are men and women rejecting each other equally?

This is the question I’ve actually been answering: “Should American women reject American men en masse?” In other words, my autistic ass was exploring the question as if the average American were a rational utility-maximizer.

And, I must say, there’s no shame in my game. I think I’ve made a pretty compelling case that under current circumstances, the average heterosexual woman currently brings far more to the table than the average het man. Therefore, the average rational, utility maximizing woman has much more reason to reject men than the other way around.

I suspect I’ve been answering the “ought” question rather than the “is” question in part because I’m so sick of incel, MGTOW, manosphere, grifter, sex-negative, dudebro, reactionary shitbags making absolutely empirically unsupported, counterintuitive claims like men are rejecting women because we’re too slutty. 1. We’re not. 2. They’re not.

What I liked about the post is that it looked at what is, but from a feminist perspective. The truth is, a large number of American men really are rejecting American women. Now, I don’t know about percentages here and the author doesn’t guess or provide data. If I were to venture a guess, I’d say up to 20% of American men have essentially opted out of sex, dating, and marriage. This is roughly in line with the percentage of certain cohorts of prime-age men who are not in education, employment, or training (NEET).

Gender norms complicate this conversation (to say the least, lol). If men and women were equally likely to offer entreaties to date, have sex, and get married, it would be easier to tell which gender was rejecting the other most of the time. But there’s actually no way to tell whether men are “rejecting” women en masse, because women do not approach men en masse. Which means, of course, that these dudebro shitbags are at least literally and technically wrong when they claim men are rejecting women. And I’m petty and pedantic enough to enjoy that win.

What we really mean when we ask whether men are rejecting women is whether men are giving up on approaching women.

And I suspect that a worrying number of men have given up on approaching women.

But it’s less because women “aren’t good enough” (LOL) for modern men. It’s more due to the increasing rolelessness of the modern average American man. (For more on this, check out part one and two of my review of Of Boys and Men.)

Men can’t be breadwinners because their wages are decreasing relative to women’s.

Macroeconomic changes mean the spoils of “traditional” masculinity (itself only about 70 years old) are only available to a minority of men. Demand for labor in which men have a large advantage is low and declining while demand for labor in which women have a large advantage is high and increasing. Today’s economy favors exceptional men and average women and fucks over exceptional women and average men.

Men can’t do pink-collar jobs or learn emotional intelligence or do domestic labor because society harshly punishes men for performing femininity.

So what’s a man to do? He blames American women for being too “demanding.” He blames himself for not being “man enough.” Either way, grifters make millions from telling him he’s right and if he just takes this course or joins this community or buys this supplement he’ll be okay.

I would like to see more men and women acknowledge the double-bind of masculinity. Sure, we need to remake our economy to enable people to date, have sex, and get married without worrying that the wrong choice will leave them impoverished. (Marriage promotion is why none other than Charles “let’s do scientific racism to justify social welfare spending cuts” Murray supports a UBI.)

But, just as desperately, we need to rethink our gender norms. Personally, I’d like to abolish gender. I think it’s more trouble than it’s worth. But at the very least, let’s stop punishing men for doing pink-collar work, performing emotional labor, handling childcare, doing domestic labor, and other extremely necessary activities we’ve for whatever reasons coded “feminine.” Listening, empathy, and washing dishes really don’t need to be gendered! Your ability to do them really is not determined by your genitalia.

In the post, author Mona Lazar asks:

“What do you do when somebody is asking you for something that you’re not willing to give?

1. “You either refuse or try to change their mind.

2. “You eventually look for someone less demanding.”

I’d like to challenge American men to counteroffer. If women are asking for a breadwinner and you can’t be that, offer us a warm, mature, empathetic, emotionally fulfilling adult human relationship. Offer us great sex. Offer to wash the dishes and take care of the kids.

I’d like to challenge American women to take the good counteroffers. Let’s challenge our conditioning that says men must be strong, silent, and high-earning. Let’s celebrate men who learn empathy, develop listening skills, and keep a clean house.

Just a thought.