Cathy reads books: Of Boys and Men Part 2

Welcome to Sex and the State, a newsletter about human connection. To support my life’s work, upgrade to a paid subscription, buy one of my guides, follow me on OnlyFans, follow me on Twitter, support me on Patreon, or just share this post 🙏

~~~~~

Yesterday we reviewed the first half to two-thirds of Of Boys and Men. Today we’re finishing this b up.

Reeves spends a lot of the book writing about how much worse off boys are versus girls today. For example, boys raised in families in the bottom fifth of earners are less likely to escape poverty than girls. Which neighborhood you grow up in matters a whole lot for all kids, but being raised in an unsafe neighborhood with high levels of single parenthood hurts boys more than girls. The majority of education interventions benefit girls way more than boys and often boys don’t benefit at all. The big exception to this rule is vocational training programs. I’ve been saying for years we need every kid who graduates high school who’s not going to college to graduate career-ready with a skill and a license or certificate.

Many interventions continue to only help women into adulthood. For example, one wage subsidy program meant to encourage work, plus several government-funded job training programs only helped women.

In another example of male/female role reversal, women have become the adventurers. Women are 2:1 more likely to study abroad and more likely to sign up for the Peace Corps and Americorps (my lil sister did this!). No one knows why this is.

To further make the case that men are put-upon, Reeves cites the stat that half of American men and 30% of women believe men are punished for acting like men. Three fifths of Republicans agree, along with a quarter of Democrats. Half of Black and white Protestants agree. This puts men are in a perceived double bind. They’re punished for acting like women and punished for acting like men.

Something I never thought about is how news stories abounded about how Covid held women back but I didn’t realize men had a higher death rate even correcting for lifestyle choices. Also, the World Economic Forum gender equality rankings only take women’s progress or regress into account.

So how do conservatives respond to this situation? “Rather than helping men adapt to the new world, conservatives beguile them with promises of the old,” Reeves writes. The economy is never going back to disproportionate rewards for local physical strength.

38% of Republican men agree with the statement “the gains women have made in society have come at the expense of men.” As I wrote about recently, men asked if they earn more than their spouse before being asked who they would vote for were much more likely to say Trump.

As far as solutions go, much of what Reeves proposes makes a lot of sense to me.

We successfully got a lot of women into STEM. Now we need to get men into healthcare, education, administration, literacy (HEAL) jobs. Women have moved en masse into “male” jobs like pharmacy, law, and accounting but there’s been nothing like it on the male side. Men still avoid “pink collar” jobs as if they’ll make their penises fall off.

“Women are always saying, ‘We can do anything that men can do.’ But men are not saying ‘We can do anything that women can do.’” -Gloria Steinem

TFW your misogyny makes you poor. Or, when society stigmatizes femininity so much you’d rather be poor than feminine.

In 2020 9% of US jobs were STEM and 23% were HEAL. Healthcare and education alone account for ~15% of all US jobs. Men need to get over their shit because this is where the labor market is and will be for the foreseeable future.

Reeves also wants to start boys in school one year later than girls. I don’t hate this idea. But 18 is already pretty old to begin career training. I’d like to couple that with his recommendation to vastly expand access to K-12 vocational training (with licensure/certification). The US has seen a “precipitous decline” in career and tech education (CTE) that results from a college obsession, fear of “tracking” kids, classism, and a “cult of smart.” What a fucking tragedy. Absolutely unacceptable. I’d also shorten K-12 to K-10 or something.

He also wants to get more men, especially men of color, into teaching positions. I’ve been saying for decades that we need to eliminate teacher certification requirements. Charters, Teach for America, & other certification alternatives produce equal outcomes far cheaper & faster. It would also get more men and people of color into classrooms as Reeves wants.

Men losing their traditional, narrow role as economic provider for the family has been a massive cultural shock that has left many men reeling. This model is unworkable in the modern economy. We need a new, more expansive role for fathers.

Most mothers with kids under the age of three are working part-time or not at all. 54% say it's their choice. 14%would prefer not to work. 33% would prefer to work full-time. A full third of mothers with kids under 3 would prefer to work full-time but aren't for some reason.

“On many measures, Black fathers are more engaged than fathers of other races, especially when they are not married to or living with the mother.” Reeves points out that an involved father who lives apart from his kids is more helpful than a distant father who cohabitates. He sees a future in which fathers take on a more active role in parenthood regardless of whether they live with or are married to the mother. I think that sounds good.

I had a few quibbles with the text. Reeves claims gender differences are most pronounced in aggression, risk tolerance, & sex drive. All three tend to be higher in men.

1. I’m more aggressive, risk tolerant, and horny than most men I know.

2. We heavily discourage girls from aggression, risk-taking, and admitting how horny we are.

3. They used to say girls were the horny ones

Reeves points to a review of 100 studies showing men are more likely to enjoy a greater variety of sexual practices, initiate more, refuse less, masturbate more, make more sacrifices for sex, have more spontaneous sex thoughts, have more varied fantasies, want sex more often with more partners, etc.

I’m skeptical. This doesn’t comport with @JustinLehmiller’s findings that women are more sexually flexible than men. And @WednesdayMartin’s research showing women get bored in monogamy more quickly than men. I don’t doubt men on average are more likely to report these things. I’m just thinking it’s likely that women masturbate less frequently, for example, more due to stigma than a lack of innate desire. I’m not saying I believe strongly women are hardwired to be as hornt as men on average. I’m just saying I suspect the difference is less than assumed.

I’m not entirely buying that women are inherently more interested in people and men more interested in things. I mean maybe. But I don’t think the equality paradox shows that to be the case necessarily. Yes, people in richer societies express more gender differences. But is there less stigma around failing to perform gender in those countries? Doesn’t being rich just buy you the luxury of performing your gender even when it costs you money? Do you really want to stay home with the kids or do you just not want to feel like a bad mom? It’s not at all straightforward imo.

I’m also unsure about the way “toxic masculinity” is being used here. I don’t think it’s useful to talk about masculine traits in the extreme or masculinity itself being toxic. I think what’s toxic is being punished for not performing a role based on what’s btw your legs.

I think we don’t talk about toxic femininity as much because women are punished far less for performing masculinity than men are punished for performing femininity. What’s toxic is the expectation and punishment, not the masculinity or femininity itself.

Okay, so that’s that my babies. Should you read the book? Honestly, if you’re in public policy or are really interested in this topic, yes. And if you’re a parent of a boy child, also probably yes. But otherwise you can pretty much get the gist from this review.

If you want to see some of the discussion here’s the Twitter thread. Muah!