Actually, monogamous folks are way more sex-obsessed
Poly people really just want friendships
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When
& Co asked 175 consensually non-monogamous folks to list up to five benefits of their relationship structure they listed seven non-sexual benefits more often than they listed sex.I could have told you this, but I’m glad to see it confirmed.
I think it takes someone on the far end of sex-obsessed and deep in the sex-obsessed world to be able to report back that it turns out that most people, even among the consensually non-monogamous, are really just not that obsessed with sex.
What most people are much more obsessed with, and for good reason, is connection. My theory is that modern life is incredibly alienating and hostile to connection. We’re more lonely and isolated than ever as a result. Consensual non-monogamy is simply one potential fix for loneliness that actually can tell us a lot about what’s wrong with society.
Let’s talk data for a second.
Depending on the estimate, somewhere between 3-10% of US adults are currently practicing CNM and 10-20% have ever practiced it. This seems low, until you remember that hook-up culture is a myth and most US adults have 4-6 sex partners their whole lives.
These estimates are roughly in line with data from Twitter’s datespsych showing that roughly 10% of the population is doing 99% of the slutting around. From my personal experience, while the average CNM-practicing individual usually has more than 6 lifetime partners, most of the time they’re not really slutting it up either. The megasluts, in my experience, consist of shitbag cheaters, non-committal types (singles and solo poly folks), and a small fraction of the larger, partnered CNM community.
What CNM folks enjoy is connection
In order, the CNM folks Dr. Schechinger talked to listed the following benefits to CNM before sex:
1. Large social network
2. Honesty
3. Having more people to meet one’s needs and having more of one’s own needs met
4. More non-sexual activities and variety
5. Autonomy and freedom
6. Emotional support
7. Open and honest communication
Besides 5. Autonomy and freedom, every single benefit listed is fundamentally about social connection.
And it just makes sense. Social technologies like monogamy and CNM evolve to solve problems. What’s a huge problem facing modern people? Loneliness! We all lonely!
One thing making us lonelier is living with fewer people on average. CNM facilitates cohabitation between unrelated adults.
Why sex tho? Can’t you get all these benefits from… friends? Well, sure. But I think the way society prioritizes romantic/sexual relationships over platonic ones disincentivizes getting as close to friends as you do lovers.
Honestly, polyamory is a ton of work. I think its increasing popularity, and the reasons people turn to it, speak to just how lonely we all are, and how difficult it is to alleviate that loneliness in the modern context.
I think people should be free to choose the relationship structure that works best for them. I think individuals, companies, and governments should avoid trying to incentivize or disincentivize any particular option for other people.
But for people who, for whatever reason, have a problem with CNM: Get a life. And then, consider devising other ways for people to alleviate their loneliness and find deep, satisfying social connection. No bitch without a pitch! Because two adults trapped in a single-family home with only kids and pets around in a car-bound suburb with an hour-long commute is simply NOT CUTTING IT.
As Maggie_McNeill brilliantly and succinctly put it, “Well, yeah. The problems with enforced monogamy are mostly social & psychological rather than sexual.”
And it’s true. Monogamy is fine. Toxic, compulsory monogamy is isolating and alienating as all hell.
Let’s talk about the idea that men and women shouldn’t or can’t be friends. So a violation of monogamy is so terrifying a prospect that to avoid risking it one should forgo any potential friendship with half the species? And if you’re bisexual? No friends for you! Let’s talk about how this requirement hurts women WAY more than it hurts men, since life is all about who you know, and the people in power are overwhelmingly male.
Let’s talk about the idea that having sex with another person necessarily means you don’t love your partner or there’s something wrong with them or there’s something missing in your relationship. Guess what? There’s something missing in every relationship. No one can be absolutely everything for anyone else. Why is it okay to go fishing with someone else, but suddenly it’s this huge rejection to have sex?
Because here’s the truth about monogamy: It doesn’t work. The whole point of monogamy is control and stability. But CNM relationships aren’t vastly less stable than monogamous ones. A partner can leave you just as easily if you allow them to do what they want with their bodies as they can if you try to control them. In fact, by limiting your partner’s autonomy, you’re giving them a very compelling reason to leave you.
And if the only reason they haven’t left you is that you haven’t allowed them the opportunity to safely explore a potentially better connection… yuck. That’s not love. That’s selfishness, scarcity mindset, and controling. That’s disgusting, actually. If you love someone, you should want them to be with whoever is going to be the best partner for them. If that’s you, awesome. But if it’s not you, you’re actually going to admit that you’d rather they be with you and have a worse life than be with someone who can give them a better existence? Dude. Gross.
Again, though. I really don’t care. If some people want to forgo the chance to safely and consensually connect sexually with other people in exchange for the illusion of control and safety, that’s totally fine.
But for the people who want to keep their partners from safely and consensually connecting at all with other people in exchange for the illusion of control and safety, they can fuck right off. That’s gross, and contributing greatly to modern alienation.
Honestly, I’m not surprised CNM folks listed seven other benefits before sex. It’s not the CNM folks who are obsessed with sex, who put it on a giant pedestal, who worry about it inordinately and give up something vastly more important, like social connection, in an ultimately vain attempt to control it. It’s the monogamous folks who are much more likely to do that.
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I’m glad alternative relationships are becoming more accepted, but I think this could exacerbate social inequality and reinforce social hierarchy. Monogamy culture is like sexual socialism for mediocre men. I think without it, you will have average woman marry average men for emotional labor and security, while having sex with higher status men, and not requiring much from them. The could lead to a lot of resentment( just look at dating app discourse), and this inequality like economic inequality could lead to further destabilization.
I wound up favoring don’t ask, don’t tell. I’ve been “ethical poly” and I think it has drawbacks. First, there are politics and power plays inside of these relationships. Even if you’re sincere it doesn’t mean others will be. No amount of talking and processing is going to handle it. A big issue is New Relationship Energy (limerance.) In other words, falling in love with one person- the sex makes this work exponentially. Her or his partner may try to with draw this partner or become very resentful. Again, processing can’t really handle this. It’s primordial. The poly form in general seems to go with college-age culture. One thing I was always able to resist was actually living with poly partners. Good luck, but I think affairs are actually better if you must. Try to resist those too.