We all lonely, as it turns out

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Big news, for me. It is now technically correct for me to say my writing has appeared in the Atlantic! Writing for them has long been a dream of mine, them and the New Yorker. And I didn’t quite do that. But, my friend and sometimes Twitter foe Conor Friedersdorf included my post, Loneliness is self-reinforcing, in his weekly roundup.

I’m not sure any topic I’ve covered has gotten as much response as quickly as loneliness. We all lonely, as it turns out. I do think loneliness is one of those things that’s near-universal in that I think the vast majority of people have felt it at least to some extent at some point.

I think we feel loneliness for the same reason we feel hunger and thirst. Humans evolved to strongly desire the things we need to survive and reproduce.

I’m really enjoying the Sisyphus 55 YouTube channel. The video below talks about happiness versus meaning. It’s a distinction I remember reading about years ago, and it’s always stuck with me.

In one conception, happiness is lots of pleasure and little suffering. Sounds great, right? The problem is that it’s not very meaningful. The things that give our lives meaning — growth, connection, purpose — often come with some level of discomfort. Growth is often painful. Connecting with people often involves getting your feelings hurt sometimes. Pursuing your purpose often requires you to do things that are difficult in the moment.

A psychologically rich life includes both pleasure and meaning. A rich life isn’t all rise-and-grind or all chillaxing. It’s both, to different degrees at different times.

It’s interesting to me that people in rich countries seem to be more lonely than people in poor ones. Collectivist cultures, which tend to be poorer, may be more socially connected and less lonely. Young people in poor countries may have more religious faith and stronger social bonds. Again, there seems to be something alienating happening in wealthy liberal democracies.

Material wealth frees us from depending on each other to survive in the short-term. But evolution means we still die without connection, just more slowly. Conversely, money, recognition, accomplishments, etc. don’t make people healthy and happy. It’s connection.

It’s exciting and encouraging to me that so many people seem to want to read and talk and think about loneliness. It means that at least on some level a lot of us are seeing what’s happening.

I’ve spent so much time over so many years thinking and writing about how to make people more free and wealthy (but I repeat myself). All else equal, free and wealthy is better than chained and poor. But again and again I find myself feeling like all this time I was missing the point. How interesting that freedom and wealth don’t seem to correlate with psychologically rich lives. Why have all this wealth and freedom if it doesn’t buy us meaning and connection?

Look, man. Don’t get me wrong. I still love freedom and hate scarcity. But it is starting to feel like the potential gains from further maximizing along those axises (had to look up “axis plural”) are lower than the potential gains from maximizing for connection.

And it’s starting to feel like a lot of you agree.

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