Welcome to Sex and the State, a newsletter about power. I’m a writer working on decriminalizing and destigmatizing all things sex. I synthesize empirical evidence, stories, and personal experience to interrogate existing power structures to propose new, hopefully better, ways of relating.
I suppose the upside is you discovered what he’s really like before the relationship went any further. Combining jealousy with a fragile male ego can sometimes lead to unpleasant consequences.
It’s pretty sad to see anyone --male or female-- isolating themselves from their friends in order to placate someone’s insecurities. I can say that from personal experience as it’s not just men who make these types of demands.
And, this is also probably the least surprising post you could have written about to her Alabama experience.
"It’s friendship, for me, that’s mandatory. I can’t live without community."
Yes. This x 10,000. I love the people in my life, and I hope they love me just as much. It isn't about sex - that's optional. It is about companionship, support, joy and honesty.
Coming from the south myself, I suspect part of your current challenge is a type of brain drain where most of the more progressive relationship minded folk moved away to somewhere like San Francisco like we did. You'll need to find someone who didn't leave, or came back like you did, and also has the proper room on their dance card. Now your real search starts.
Oh wow, I can relate up to the point of "break-up".
The guy that I was dating knows himself well and is convinced that he is a strict monogomist, though he understands the concept of poly and is cool with poly people. But upon finding out that I am open to being open (not even had an actual open/poly relationship yet), we "broke up". Now we're "friends".
Because with his monogamist mind, he knows that he would be anxious/jealous/worried about me even talking to exes and ex-dates. So being "friends" sort of frees him of that worry and your post title, toxic monogamy. And he also doesn't want to keep me from being myself—leaning open/monogamish.
So I've been kinda having to give up my insecurity/need for commitment or status of him as my boyfriend, to meet his insecurity of his monogamy mind.
Surprisingly working ok being "friends" though, less serious expectations, more fun, while I still have the bf/gf experience without the label.
I suppose the upside is you discovered what he’s really like before the relationship went any further. Combining jealousy with a fragile male ego can sometimes lead to unpleasant consequences.
It’s pretty sad to see anyone --male or female-- isolating themselves from their friends in order to placate someone’s insecurities. I can say that from personal experience as it’s not just men who make these types of demands.
And, this is also probably the least surprising post you could have written about to her Alabama experience.
"It’s friendship, for me, that’s mandatory. I can’t live without community."
Yes. This x 10,000. I love the people in my life, and I hope they love me just as much. It isn't about sex - that's optional. It is about companionship, support, joy and honesty.
Coming from the south myself, I suspect part of your current challenge is a type of brain drain where most of the more progressive relationship minded folk moved away to somewhere like San Francisco like we did. You'll need to find someone who didn't leave, or came back like you did, and also has the proper room on their dance card. Now your real search starts.
This. Friendship makes life more than existence.
Oh wow, I can relate up to the point of "break-up".
The guy that I was dating knows himself well and is convinced that he is a strict monogomist, though he understands the concept of poly and is cool with poly people. But upon finding out that I am open to being open (not even had an actual open/poly relationship yet), we "broke up". Now we're "friends".
Because with his monogamist mind, he knows that he would be anxious/jealous/worried about me even talking to exes and ex-dates. So being "friends" sort of frees him of that worry and your post title, toxic monogamy. And he also doesn't want to keep me from being myself—leaning open/monogamish.
So I've been kinda having to give up my insecurity/need for commitment or status of him as my boyfriend, to meet his insecurity of his monogamy mind.
Surprisingly working ok being "friends" though, less serious expectations, more fun, while I still have the bf/gf experience without the label.