How Black women gave me empathy for young men

I’ve written a lot already about why I think we should care about men, especially bottom-half men.

Today, I want to talk about how to do that. Specifically, I want to talk about how I and other middle-aged white women in the top-half (at least in terms of education and charm, if not income) can be a part of the solution here.

A little more than a decade ago I was fervently trying to educate myself on racism (and how it intersects with gender) in order to sell libertarianism to women and BIPOC individuals.

I wrote a little about this time of my life in this post:

This mostly involved following Black women on Twitter. Back then, people still linked to longer pieces of writing from social media posts. So someone would share White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack, for instance. I’d read it and then, often, have a real-time conversation with whoever shared it and some of their followers about it.

One of the main takeaways from that experience was that there really is no substitute for reading and listening to Black women.

I just really didn’t know what I didn’t know.

That’s why I kept going on about “privilege.”

Today, I’m a middle-aged white woman writing about gender and politics. In addition to Black women, I think it’s incumbent on myself and my fellow middle-aged white women to listen to young men. And for the same reason. I still cannot know what I don’t know until I know it.

It’s great that Democratic electeds are speaking directly to young men and their concerns. Electorally, that’s a must. But parties exist to win elections, not change hearts and minds. In terms of the culture war, the right is fucking walloping our asses hard. Everyone but the fascists suck ass at building and maintaining what

Matthew Yglesias

calls “infrastructure,” or the advocacy organizations, caucuses, NGOs, think tanks, podcasters, etc. that create the conditions under which the Democratic Party can both win elections and do good things once in office without getting thrown out on their asses. Especially as I contemplate stepping up to the plate, it becomes even more important to actually listen to the people I’ve been saying matter so much for the things I care about.

Toward that end, I’ve stumbled upon two young men I’ve enjoyed listening to.

The first is a comedian. Josh Johnson is a very impressive young man. If you’ve never heard his standup, I thought this one was especially astute:

I literally just found out about the second young man. Cameron Klasky is co-hosting a (new?) podcast with

Tim Miller

from

The Bulwark

. I just watched the first(?) episode:

We Need Hot Woke Alpha Males (w/ Dylan Geick)

These men would be more useful to people like us, probably, if they were bottom-halfers. It’s possible they came from the bottom-half. But Cameron graduated from Columbia and I get strong top-half vibes from Johnson. In their defense, however, they are, to ape Gen Z, “giving” bored by the woke-flavored dick-measuring contest that progressive politics has become.

Here’s another thing I’m taking from my young white woman listening to Black women on Twitter era and considering whether and how to apply to my middle-aged white woman listening to young men era.

It has to do with “tone policing.”

In addition to the concept of white privilege, Black women on Twitter also introduced me to the concept of white fragility. I didn’t read the book but the article (PDF download) helped me. I learned that it was natural and understandable to have a strong, negative emotional reaction to unpleasant and confronting realities like how racism operates in the world. I learned that white women require Black women to make the realities of racism palatable to us despite the fact that Black women are exhausted and enraged to the point of sickness (literally empirically measured) by racism and misogyny (and, often, classism, ablism, etc.). We get angry and defensive, criticizing Black women’s tone, word choices, etc. rather than de-centering ourselves and listening empathetically to them because it's easier and feels better for us in the moment.

Now, a Black woman tweeting about “white tears” and a young male podcaster making rape jokes are two very different things, practically, morally, however else one wants to slice it. Do not — to use the parlance of my generation — get it twisted.

However, there is one similarity between them. My middle-aged self does not want to hear rape jokes any more than my young lily-white naive libertarian Southern self wanted to hear about how racism actually works.

I want, instead, for young men to make their realities palatable to me. This, despite the fact that bottom-half young men are exhausted and enraged to the point of sickness and deaths of despair (literally empirically measured) by cultural, geopolitical, and macroeconomic changes far beyond their control, or even comprehension. When young, bottom-half men talk I feel angry and defensive, criticizing their tone, word choices, etc. because it's easier and feels better for me in the moment.

So, we’ll see how all this goes. Who else should I be listening to or reading, in terms of young, bottom-half men? This can be examples of young, bottom-half men themselves or people saying useful things about them (like

Young Men Research Initiative

for example). Let me know in the comments or on Bluesky or Threads if you’re not paid yet.