Gender fucks men: Rape edition
I’m starting to wonder whether the concept of gender hurts men more than women.
Call me a pick-me-ass-bitch all you want (preferably in the comments, after you’ve paid to subscribe), but I think fighting patriarchy (or sexism or misogyny or, as I prefer to call it, gender itself) will be easier with a decent chunk of half the population on our side.
If I’m right, it might be useful to elucidate how gender specifically harms men for recruiting purposes.
This brings me to today’s topic.
I love Zawn Villines. I cite her work often because it’s excellent.
Zawn helps women recognize that their marriages to loser, Trumpy men are abusive. (Not only do I repeat myself with “loser, Trumpy men” but if you want an eye-opening, depressing-ass read on three of these marriages, read The Women Who Wanted to Leave Their Husbands Over Politics.)
I’m not certain my empathy for men could withstand Zawn’s job. (Honestly, I’m not sure my empathy for anyone could withstand any full-time job giving self-help advice.)
Anyway, that’s what I thought when I read the following portion of a recent Zawn post about how husbands coerce their wives into sex by threatening punishments for non-compliance such as anger, foul moods, threats, and physical violence:
Men act like they don’t understand how this is assault.
But a man who gives away his wallet at gunpoint would never say that he donated the money or happily gave it away.
A man threatened by a stranger into sex would never say he willingly had sex. He would admit he was raped.
I have quibbles!
I quibble mostly as an opening to talk about how gender fucks everyone, which my real babies know is one of my favorite subjects.
Since Zawn brought up male rape, let’s talk about how masculinity fucks over male rape victims.
First, it’s not true that every raped man will admit it. This is one way patriarchy robs men of their safety.
Rape is notoriously underreported. One reason people don’t report is that it’s hard to report a rape you won’t acknowledge even happened.
Survivors, male and female alike, are often unwilling to admit to themselves that they were raped. They decide that what happened to them was bad sex, sex they regret, or somehow their fault. Victim-blaming makes us feel safer. The average man is actually less likely than the average woman to report being raped.
Sexual misconduct is more likely to lead to PTSD than any other event, including losing a child. Why? Because social support determines how traumatic an event is and sexual assault is one of the most isolating things a person can experience.
Moralizing around sex leads sexual assault survivors to remain ignorant and feel confused and ashamed. Shame makes them self-isolate. Isolation leads to more ignorance. More ignorance facilitates more abuse. This is how sexual repression leads to more rape and sexual abuse, rather than less. It creates a vicious cycle.
As I’ve written, talking more openly about abuse reduces shame. This is why sexual freedom is safety. Sexual permissiveness facilitates education and awareness. The lack of moralizing and shame encourages survivors to come forward. As people come forward, society becomes less ignorant. That makes us better at recognizing abuse when we see it. It makes us more likely to believe survivors. Expecting to be believed and not shamed, more come forward. It creates a virtuous cycle.
Then on top of that, gender requires policing men to ensure they uphold prevailing masculinity norms.
“Males may be particularly unlikely to report [their rapes] and come forward because victims are thought to be weak, vulnerable, unable to protect themselves and in need of help or assistance,” rape researcher (speaking of rough jobs) Meghan Stroshine said. “These attributes conflict with what it means to be a ‘strong’ man in contemporary society.”
This is how patriarchy puts men at risk.
According to this 2023 paper, when men do come forward, they receive less help and more stigma than women. The authors estimate that research on male rape is two decades behind female rape. And rape laws in Georgia, Mississippi, and Idaho rape remain sex-specific.
Homophobia is a masculinity norm. Men don’t report because they’re afraid people will think they’re gay. (Men do the most raping, regardless of the victim.)
When women rape men, the “men want sex all the time” masculinity norm discourages men from accurately describing what happened.
All of this is patriarchy in action.
None of it helps men.
Here’s what it did to Kevin Smith after his childhood sexual abuse.
“I went home and never said anything because I was scared and humiliated and ashamed and I was a Catholic kid and so I was like, ‘God!’ Worried about sin and whatnot,” Smith said.
I think it’s incumbent on us feminists to acknowledge how gender hurts men specifically and benefits rapists and other men who hold power but shouldn’t.
Or, at least the pick-me-ass-bitches who still want to recruit men to the cause should do it. I’m certainly trying.
I don't think patriarchy is worse for men so much as we have spent more time examining and dealing with how it impacts women and since the way it hurts men is less straightforward, or it's pain mixed with status, it's harder for them to push back.
In any discussion about sexual assault/abuse, gender and the patriarchy, we need to acknowledge that the scope of the problem is much larger than "reported" cases might indicate-- because of the various factors you discuss. Patriarchal socialization and thinking conditions us to instinctively think first, and primarily, of how many *women* are "victims" or "survivors," and how often and why women subjected to such assaults or abuse do not report it. In the case of opposite sex/gender rapes, why do we not instead frame our initial questions, and what we perceive as the issues, in terms of how many *men* are perpetrators of sexual assault or abuse? Why do we not ask first how many men are doing it with impunity and without consequences to them, because their criminal conduct goes unreported, or disbelieved when it is reported, or does not result in criminal prosecution or convictions and punishment? And for those instances where women are the perpetrators and minor boys are the victim, you are also correct that patriarchal thinking conditions us to perceive those male minors as "lucky guys," rather than victims or survivors of a crime. Again, I think you would argue correctly that it is patriarchal thinking at work in society that is a dominant factor in how we frame and think about these issues.
When we look at the relative harm to men and women from the perspective of opposite sex sexual assault, the scales seem to fall very much to the side of harm to women.
When we turn to the issue of same sex/gender sexual assault or abuse involving only men or boys, I agree with the very valid points you make about the substantial harm to men (trauma is not what happens *to* you, but rather, what happens *in* you). Such incidents, as you point out, are even more unreported for the same social reasons you cite. The scope of the problem can best be visualized by a statistic that many people initially disbelieve, and which is the name of an organization devoted to helping men who are victims or survivors of sexual assault or abuse. That organization is 1 In 6 (www.1in6.org): researchers have found that at least one in six men have experienced sexual assault or abuse, whether as a minor or adult. https://1in6.org/statistic/.