Why no one who thinks they’re a really nice person is a really nice person

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When Joe* told me they’re a really nice, considerate person I silently balked. “Stop being so cynical,” I admonished myself. Then, two months later when they repeated their pattern of not empathizing with me when I talked about my feelings I felt a sad vindication. No one who thinks they’re a really nice person is a really nice person.

First off, I want to differentiate “nice” and “kind.” To summarize, being nice is telling people what you think they want to hear. Being kind is telling people what you think the truth is. Being nice is being likable. It’s ultimately a more short-sighted and self-centered behavior. Being kind I see as a long-term investment in what’s best for another person.

Here’s why I think people who think of themselves as particularly kind almost have to be wrong.

Most of us move through life mostly on autopilot. If we had to spend time deliberating over every potential decision we’d only deliberate.

99% of the time, we don’t deliberate over whether to do the kind thing. We just do the thing that occurs to us to do. Sometimes it’s the kind thing. Sometimes it’s not.

I don’t think you get to say you’re a particularly kind person because you choose to do the kind thing when given the obvious and explicit choice. I’d argue that because those obvious and explicit choices are so rare comparatively, they can’t differentiate a kind person from an unkind person.

Rather, I’d argue that it’s your defaults and habits that define whether you’re a kind or unkind person. It’s what you do without thinking, reflexively and out of habit.

For example, before Valentine’s Day I bought some chocolates for a photo shoot with my good friend. Despite knowing she’s gluten intolerant, I didn’t check to make sure they were gluten free when I bought them. Nor did I check before offering her some. She’s ultimately responsible for checking after herself. But the point is that I realized only later that I had missed an opportunity to be thoughtful and considerate by buying chocolates she and I could both eat safely.

Now I also have examples where I was thoughtful and considerate. For example, this same friend was having a hard week a few weeks ago so I bought her flowers. This time I remembered she’s allergic to roses and had said she liked sunflowers. This gesture was especially meaningful for me because I don’t really want anyone to buy me flowers.

I guess what mildly disgusted me about Joe claiming to be an especially kind person, besides watching them miss opportunity after opportunity to show me kindness, is that no one can actually know how kind or unkind they are. Sometimes we realize later that we’ve missed an opportunity to be kind, considerate, or thoughtful. I believe that the vast majority of opportunities to be kind pass by us without us ever being aware of them.

It’s hard for me to imagine someone regularly realizing after the fact that they missed an opportunity to be kind, thoughtful, or considerate and continuing to think of themselves as a particularly kind person. Which to me says that anyone who thinks of themselves as particularly kind is likely not only not seeing the vast majority of opportunities to be kind when they’re on offer but then also not seeing them in hindsight after they’ve passed.

All that could be true and it could still be helpful to think of yourself as a particularly kind person. I’ve read studies that show that people who think of themselves as X are more likely to behave like someone who is X in order to justify and reinforce their view of themselves. So perhaps thinking, even incorrectly, that you’re a particularly kind person will cause you to behave more kindly than if you thought otherwise.

At the same time, something bothers me about seeing yourself as especially kind regardless of your actual behavior. I think it can also make it harder to see the opportunities to be kind that you missed, because they threaten your view of yourself.

Regardless, the next time someone describes themselves as particularly kind or considerate I’m far more likely to give in to my cynicism. Oh yeah? Prove it.