What am I doing with my life?

I’ve had repetitive, intrusive thoughts for as long as I can remember. Something will go slightly wrong, or I’ll remember something unpleasant, or I’ll make a mistake, or I’ll have some worry, and then I’ll hear my own voice in my head say some shit like, “You are so stupid.” 

“What are you doing with your life?” may be the one I’ve heard myself say the most.

It’s a rhetorical question. There’s not much curiosity behind it. It’s more like a signal, a reminder, that things aren’t quite right. 

Literally today two of my girlfriends told me, separately, about their new projects. They are both doing absolutely incredible, world-changing work. One is in her 70s. She just landed the most fulfilling, important role of her incredibly impressive career.  

I’m so proud of them, and happy for them. And thoughts about how I compare keep creeping around the edges of my consciousness. As well, I feel slight pangs of jealousy. 

While they begin new endeavors, I’m a bit stuck on what to do next.