TV Tuesdays 15: Sex/Life

Puritanism and gender studies

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Welcome to the 15th TV Tuesday!

Today we’re going to talk about Sex/Life. Whew. My babies. People did not like this show. 5.5/10 stars on IMBD. 21% on Rotten Tomatoes.

But I liked it. And I want to talk about why.

First, it was exvangelical as all hell. Second, it examined an under-explored feminist quandary.

But before we get into all that, let’s take a ride through some of the reviews. Reviewer Alexandra Macaaron describes show protagonist Billie as being “bored” with the “less than electrifying sex” with her handsome, charming husband.

He won’t fuck her! And when he does, he’s the one who comes across as bored. After enduring the trauma of growing up in Evangelical churches where leaders told me men always want sex and then growing up to find that is not true AT ALL, leading me to believe I must be extremely sexually off-putting, the difference matters to me!

“Because apparently Billie has never heard of password protection, husband Cooper reads [her journal].” Did Billie do an opsec fail or did her husband fail to hear about a little thing called privacy?

For a site called womensvoicesforchange.org, this review sure reeks of the same old misogyny.

Most of these reviews are about Season one. And I just finished Season two. I do think this is the vanishingly rare show that gets better in its sophomore year.

Flicks on Season One: “That’s the big issue here: ideologically, Sex/Life is rooted (heh) in American cultural puritanism, and so what it thinks is outré and edgy is, well, pretty tame.”

Season Two leaned into its Puritan roots.

There’s little more cringe than someone who really wants to be edgy. That guy or girl bragging about their sexual or drug exploits as if these activities in and of themselves are “cool” and make them cool by extension.

Having lived in Alabama, DC, and San Francisco has been one of the greatest gifts of my life. I got to see just how “not at all a big deal” sex and drugs are to so many people. It’s like driving a motorcycle. If you think it’s cool, that’s cool. But it’s weird and desperate and disconnected if you automatically assume I’m going to think it’s cool.

Season One felt a little bit like that. I liked it, because sex and drugs are still cool and edgy to me because I grew up Evangelical. But I can totally see how these reviewers are like, “Cringe and yawn.”

Season Two, on the other hand, knew its place a little better. It had met people who didn’t grow up like it grew up.

My favorite scene was when Bille confronted her mother about how much shame she was made to feel about wanting and having sex. Her mother confessed to having had sex outside of marriage and being bullied and slut-shamed for it and having wanted Billie to avoid the same fate. Billie wanted to know why her mother had never shared that experience with her. Billie’s mom said she was ashamed.

You can re-program the way you think about sex. You can rearrange your sexual ethics. You can reject the shame you were taught. But what I, at least, have never been able to manage is to reduce what a Big Damn Deal sex is to me.

These reviewers and their ilk will never really understand. They weren’t taught that sex is always and necessarily a Big Damn Deal. And for that, I’m extremely jealous.

But Sex/Life reads like it was written by people like me. And so I like it.

Here’s the part that’s more interesting, at least to me.

Spoilers ahead.

One subplot is Bille’s best friend, Sasha, gets connected to an agent who successfully pitches a book she hasn’t yet written about being an empowered single woman.

Just as Sasha’s star is rising and she’s establishing her brand, her college boyfriend, Kam, re-enters her life and proposes marriage. Sasha had dumped this boyfriend when he left for grad school at Stanford so she could attend Columbia in New York. This time, being with him will require Sasha to leave her brand as a liberated single woman behind.

I can’t think of a more deft on-screen examination of a woman’s choice between career and romantic love. Which is less to say this was super well-done and more to say it’s a scenario not enough auteurs take on and when they do take it on, they do it poorly. It seems to me that most writers make it obvious that the man is the correct choice. Most media depicts “career women” as unhappy harpies leading meaningless lives just waiting for a man to come along and change everything for the better.

The thing that drove me crazy watching Sasha navigate this choice was how Kam never asked any questions. He was all “Pick me,” and never “Tell me more about what’s on the line for you here.”

Call me an insane person, but I think love, romantic or otherwise, is fundamentally about two or more people making each other better people and helping each other lead better lives.

One thing that drove me crazy about a previous relationship is when he would tell me, in various ways, that being with him was the best thing for me. First of all, if you feel like you have to say it… But second, it implied he knew what was best for me, perhaps better than I could. Let’s leave aside that I was objectively better at making life choices than he was. Obviously, anyone would want to think that being with you is best for your romantic partner. But the idea that you’d know better than them is not just condescending as all hell but makes me wonder why anyone would want to be with someone who can’t tell what’s good for them.

I’m not looking to fill a parental role in a romantic relationship. I’m looking for an adult who knows what’s best for them. I am, in fact, actively repulsed by someone I don’t trust to make choices on their own behalf.

To me, love shouldn’t be about “choose me.” It should be about, “Let’s examine this question together because I’d love to help you make the best decision for you.”

At one point, Sasha asks Kam why neither of them seriously considered following her career. Answer: Sexism. Sexism doesn’t usually manifest as “fuck women.” It manifests as the assumption that women want to be fucked over. That fucking women over is right and good because it’s the way it’s always been done.

Anyhoods, in the end they both forgo their careers for the other simultaneously but end up staying in New York. Which wasn’t as satisfying for my nerdy ass as an in-depth, honest discussion of the pros and cons of each choice would have been. But, it indicated that at least Kam had been listening to Sasha about sexism. Which was enough to make me happy it worked out that way.

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