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I’m very tired and a little sad right now. It looks like we’re heading toward more lockdowns and masking and/or a new flu-like COVID that just never goes away. All my plans feel tentative — God willing and the case numbers don’t rise. The irony of spending all this time worrying about the stressors of re-opening only to go right back into my cave.
The other day a homeless-looking guy demanded my cigarettes and lighter. I figured it wasn’t worth fighting over. It’s just a bunch of small-to-medium-sized stressors that add up to a big ball of anxiety that leaves me wondering what I’m really upset about at any one time.
Going to play parties as a single person lately has felt like going to a buffet when you’re starving but you show up and it’s all candy. Perfect strangers can absolutely connect deeply and have super spiritual, interesting sex. But not me right now. I don’t have the energy to explain to a new person how my lady parts work. Just let me hump your leg and call it a day.
I desperately want super spiritual, interesting sex. The whole romantic relationship thing I’m much more ambivalent about. But what I realized I really want is to feel like I can be myself around someone. To just be tired and irritable. To feel like that’s okay.
It’s not that I don’t have people who would accept me. It’s that I’m afraid to show them. It’s kind of magical that a year and a half into working on getting closer to some of the people in my life I still have mountains to climb. I mean that entirely non-ironically. I’m excited about the adventure.
I want so badly to change the world with my writing. I want everything I put out to be great. I get busy and tired and behind and then it feels like whatever I publish needs to be even better to make up for the lack of volume. At the same time, I don’t think there’s anything more valuable or meaningful in the world than to connect with other humans. To share this experience. To feel less alone by helping others feel less alone.
So, this is my experience right now. Thanks for sharing it with me.