Welcome to Sex and the State, a newsletter about power. I’m a writer working on decriminalizing and destigmatizing all things sex. I synthesize empirical evidence, anecdotes, and personal experience to interrogate existing power structures and propose new, better ways of relating. To support my work, buy a subscription, follow me on OnlyFans, or just share this post!
One day in 2020 a billionaire started messaging me on OnlyFans. He wanted me to parade him around a sex party on a leash wearing a short skirt and make him suck dicks. And that, reader, is when I learned about the feminization/sissification fetish.
I didn’t think a whole lot about it until maybe a year later. I couldn’t sleep one night, and I started thinking about that guy. I started reading forums about feminization/sissification. I found Twitter accounts. I thought to myself, I like to wear makeup, get my nails done, and suck dick. Why not do it with a guy who’s paying me to do it together?
Fast forward to tonight. My therapist suggested I take myself on a date. I was going to go to a bar and read. But the book I’m reading isn’t very… well, fun. We Too is a great book but it’s not a date read. So I thought I’d see if there were any interesting events happening in SF tonight. And that’s how I ended up at Dominance Discussion Group.
The topic of power came up, of course. And I finally realized what had changed for me with regard to my relationship to power. I’ve spent so much of my life rebelling against power. I despise being coerced and restricted and seeing it done to others.
For so long, my goal was autonomy for me and everyone else. I worked at libertarian think tanks. I have “I own me.” tattooed on my arm. I was about that freedom.
But what I realized tonight is that I’m not against power anymore. The goal isn’t every man an island. I’m for power that is consensual and positive-sum. I love interdependence. I love persuasion and attraction, the consensual types of power. I’m for the kind of power that leaves everyone better off.
Another thing I was able to articulate for the first time was that a lot of what attracts me to domination is that it offers me the opportunity to give others something I think is very valuable. First, it gives me the chance to help someone achieve an altered state of consciousness (subspace). And I do love me some altered states of consciousness. And I want to give people a safe and judgement-free environment in which they can violate some of society’s dumber norms.
That’s one thing that appeals to me about feminization. I, too, feel oppressed by gender essentialism, gendered expectations, and the way society violently enforces gender performance. I would love to give men the space to safely shove off those requirements for a few hours.
I want to provide value in everything I do. And I also want to avoid doing bad. Power isn’t good or bad. It’s neutral. It’s leverage. I’ve always seen how power corrupts. But I’m beginning to see how power is necessary to get things done. What’s interesting right now to me about this work, both the work and the money I’m doing it to earn, is that my fear is starting to shift. I’ve spent most of my life afraid that I’ll be a burden to my family. Now I’m starting to feel afraid that I will succeed beyond my wildest dreams and that it will change me for the worse. I’m afraid that I’ll have scraped and sacrificed to be a force for good in the world and end up just being another shithead.
But you know what? The world has a lot of powerful shitheads in it. Why shouldn’t I be one of them?
I think if you’re not at least somewhat afraid to have power, you probably shouldn’t have it. Because power is responsibility.
So my goal now isn’t to abolish power. It’s to harness power to the benefit of all. Or at least a few sissies.