On getting high in Alabama

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In my last post, where I talked about my upcoming move from SF to Alabama, I talked a lot about sex and romantic relationships. The truth is I had just broken up with the guy I’d met over Christmas who I planned to be with in Alabama. I wrote the first version of the post while we were still together. I wrote the second version right after he dumped me. It was not a flattering portrait. I wrote the third version after getting high and feeling some compassion and empathy. In removing some of the vitriol, I accidentally removed the parts that made it clear we’re not a thing anymore.

I was never moving there *for* him. While I’m sad it’s over, I’m still excited about the move.

Of course I’ve been thinking a lot about how dating will change for me in Alabama vs SF. But to be completely honest, I’ve been much more concerned about how moving to Alabama will impact my access to good drugs than good dick.

Good dick might rarer in Alabama than SF, especially when you’re a polyamorous feminist sex worker used to consent-trained regular play party attendees. But at least it’s not literally illegal. Most drugs are illegal in SF as well. But cannabis is legal and available on nearly every corner. Drug enforcement is not a high priority for SFPD. And Oakland just decriminalized magic mushrooms.

It was wild going back to visit and remembering cannabis is still illegal in most of the country.

I’ll probably get high a lot less frequently in Alabama, if for no other reason than I expect it will be a much bigger pain in the ass to obtain tested drugs. And when/if I do consume drugs, I expect to feel less safe writing and talking about it publicly.

I’m thinking about it extra hard because one of my friends just tweeted, “Drugs are like religion. You shouldn't be involved with either, and for the same reason—they inhibit rational thinking—but both should be legal.”

Now, there’s been a decent amount of research showing illegal psychoactive substances can offer myriad benefits. Ketamine has shown promise in helping to treat drug-resistant depression. MDMA can help treat PTSD. Psychedelic mushrooms can help terminally ill patients overcome their fear of death. Cocaine is still used in some kinds of eye surgery.

For me personally, I don’t think drugs have inhibited my rational thinking. If anything, I think using recreational drugs has improved my thinking overall.

If I had to sum it up, I’d say using drugs has given me a more expansive view of reality.

Doing a bunch of different drugs has helped me grasp some of the extent to which I can see the same situation and facts, the same “reality,” entirely differently.

I used to see something happen and know I could interpret it a few other ways that would be similarly valid. But after doing a bunch of drugs, now I see that, given the right brain chemistry signals, I could interpret any given situation zillions of ways that would be equally valid.

Oftentimes, being on drugs gave me an entirely new, and much more useful, perspective on the same set of facts.

I try to take this information with me into every situation. I try to keep in mind that my perspective, presuppositions, brain chemistry, mood, history, etc. necessarily impact my ability to accurately and helpfully make sense of any given set of facts. There are always more and better ways to view a circumstance or question than any of us can possibly imagine at any one time. There are nearly always many more valid ways to view a problem or question than I can see right now by default.

I don’t need drugs to be able to widen my perspective. A good meal, talking with a friend, meditation, a walk, these can all give me a fresh way to look at the same reality.

But for me, doing drugs has helped reveal just how differently I can see the same situation given the right tools.

In addition, I think there’s something ego-depleting about this widened perspective of the world. A lot of people talk about getting really high and experiencing “ego death.” It seems to be something akin to feeling the division between oneself and the rest of the universe melt away and reveal itself as the illusion that it is. The “self” as an entirely distinct entity dissolves and is replaced by a feeling of oneness with everything else that exists. I’ve honestly never gotten that high and am, at least for now, totally okay with that.

But after doing a lot of drugs I do think, at least to some extent, that the division between my “self” and others is, if not a false idea, at least an incomplete understanding of what binds the whole of the universe together. (God, I sound so California right now.) I think that by default I focus too much on what separates me as a distinct entity (ego) and I don’t fully grasp what binds me to everyone and everything else (existence). And this ego-centric viewpoint is often, for me, unnecessarily divisive and alienating.

Which kind of goes back to the religion part of the aforementioned tweet. Organized religion has, for me, definitely been a huge stumbling block to rational thinking. As an adult, I had to unlearn the defensiveness I was taught against critical thinking and skepticism in order to really learn how to think in the first place.

But my religious experiences were also very ego-depleting at times. There’s something beautiful about the idea that I’m just one tiny part of something cosmic and eternal.

Drugs and religion aren’t good or bad. They’re not going to impact everyone the same way. A lot of how they’re going to affect you depends on your own unique brain chemistry, upbringing, and the mindset and circumstances in which you partake.

I don’t think all drugs are right for all people at all times. We understand extremely little about brain chemistry. Drugs are powerful tools. There’s always a certain amount of risk in taking them. I want people to be cautious and somewhat conservative about their drug consumption. I’ve never tried heroin, for instance. Though I do think it should be legal and that there’s more healthy, sustainable heroin use than popular culture and drug warriors would have you believe. I’ve also never tried crack, though that’s mostly due to lack of opportunity. (Not that I’ve been offered heroin.) There are lots of psychedelics I’ve never tried because having a bad time is always possible and I’ve never been in a circumstance where I wanted to experiment.

I was recently vaping DMT with a friend and it occurred to me that a lot of people can’t imagine using drugs the way a lot of people use drugs in California.

Like, it’s common to see using drugs as something you either do in like a party atmosphere to celebrate or get loose or as an escape from dealing with difficult feelings or circumstances. This I think mostly results from media portrayals along with prohibition and stigma.

The news, books, podcasts, movies, and TV are obviously going to focus on the extreme ends of drug experiences for the drama rather than the more mundane reality of most drug use.

Every culture incorporates certain mind-altering substances. Even animals get high. But in the United States we have a limited number of “approved” drugs like alcohol and caffeine. More psychedelic experiences like ayahuasca are only starting to become mainstream.

Prohibition and stigma disincentivize most people from talking openly about how they actually use drugs. So I think it’s hard for many people in the US to imagine what healthy, sustainable illegal drug use looks like.

I hope as the War on Drugs ramps down that more people feel free to talk openly about how their drug use has impacted their lives — the good, the bad, and the mundane.

The mundanity of my drug experiences is a big part of why I like to talk about them. Thus far, drugs have neither saved my life nor ruined it. They’re just tools I’ve enjoyed using and benefitted from, to various extents at various times.

I think most people underestimate the extent to which stigmatization and criminalization make drugs far more dangerous than they need to be. Which is, like all stigmatization and criminalization, a self-reinforcing problem.

I’m going to miss being in a part of the country where it’s normal to get high not to escape or to party necessarily but sometimes just to see the world a little differently for a short amount of time. I hope as time goes on this practice and view of drugs becomes much more widespread. As we legalize and destigmatize drugs, it’s becoming safer to buy and consume them. I’m glad to see more research come out. I’m happy to see professionally guided drug experiences become more widely available. I’m excited about a future in which more people who could benefit from using drugs are able to do so easily and safely. I hope it all comes to Alabama sooner than later.