Oh great, radfem PUAs

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Well this is kind of interesting. There’s a female version of the Pick-Up Artists (PUA) community on Reddit called r/FemaleDatingStrategy. PUAs, if you don’t recall, are men who share advice with each other on how to approach and have sex with women.

I find pick-up strategies unobjectionable in and of themselves. But the online PUA communities tend to display a fair amount of misogyny. It’s one corner of the “manosphere,” which includes the involuntarily celibate (incel) community and Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW).

So if there’s a place online for straight men to exchange dating tips tinged with anger and misogyny obviously eventually there had to be a place for straight women to exchange dating tips tinged with anger and misandry.

Why can’t we give each other dating advice without making unflattering blanket assumptions about an entire gender? I asked myself reading the group’s glossary. I think the reason is that dating advice tends to be either so broad and obvious that it’s boring (value yourself, don’t settle, be nice and honest about what you want) or so specific it’s not really applicable (“If your husband spat your load into a half-finished casserole and then watched your whole family consume it and then assumed you would think it was hot, then you absolutely, positively need to divorce him.”).

Obviously not all of the advice in r/FemaleDatingStrategy is bad. I read The Rules as a teen and it also had some good advice. But it’s also disturbingly negative about men and its take on sex is overly narrow and prescriptive, in my opinion.

r/FemaleDatingStrategy is extremely critical of casual sex, polyamory, and pornography.

It’s endlessly interesting to me how alike radical feminists and American Evangelical Christians sound when they talk about sex. (And how they like to work together to ban porn and criminalize sex work.) But whereas Christians use Jesus to justify their sex-negativity, radical feminists use gender essentialism. “Most men barely have the maturity or communication skills to meet the emotional needs of one woman, much less several,” reads the r/FemaleDatingStrategy glossary under polyamory. “Demand a man's undivided attention or none at all.”

Their take on porn is similarly dim. “WE DO NOT support the commercial porn industry, as it is an institution that promotes and normalizes sexual aggression, incest, pedophilia, violence, racism, degradation, low sexual satisfaction, and objectification of women and girls, many of whom have been drugged, raped, misled, trafficked and otherwise coerced to appear on film. Furthermore, there has not been a lot of evidence that porn use in relationships creates any significant benefits to women. Most porn is not catered to our sexual needs and increases the amount of abusive stimulus a man needs to gain an erection. This is not likely to enhance your sexual satisfaction as much as detract from it.”

There’s a lot to unpack there.

First, there’s absolutely zero evidence that “the commercial porn industry,” promotes or normalizes sexual aggression, incest, pedophilia, violence, racism, degradation, low sexual satisfaction, or objectification of women and girls. In fact, as free internet porn has become ubiquitous, overall violent crime in America has been declining. Not only that, but porn use is associated with more egalitarian views on gender roles.

While of course you can find videos of women being abused online, all evidence indicates that banning or censoring taboo porn actually just makes the problem worse by pushing production and distribution into the black market.

As for the claim there’s a dearth of evidence that porn use in relationships creates any significant benefits to women, studies actually show that watching porn is associated with greater arousal for and sexual interest in a partner for men and women. Other benefits to women include porn’s embrace of body positivity and sexual empowerment for mature women.

There’s also no evidence that porn “increases the amount of abusive stimulus a man needs to gain an erection” for the average man. Anecdotally, many people find that the more porn they look at and the tighter the grip they use to masturbate the more difficult it will be to function well in real-life sex. But there is no credible research linking porn use to erectile or ejaculatory dysfunction for the average penis-haver.

“There really isn’t the science to demonstrate that porn is in and of itself harmful and addictive,” said Ian Kerner, a licensed psychotherapist and sex counselor. “That has not been, in my estimation, scientifically or clinically proven.”

Nearly every harm researchers have associated with overuse of porn, including anxiety, shame, guilt, can be directly tied to shame and stigma around pornography use, and not the pornography itself. For example, stigmatizing porn triggers the “rebound effect.”

The one true statement about porn from r/FemaleDatingStrategy is that “most porn is not catered to [straight women’s] sexual needs.” Which sounds like a call to make more porn for straight women!

Besides casual sex and porn, “FDSers” also shit on BDSM, calling it “sexual degradation” and the consent part a mere “guise.” They advise against telling the men you’re dating about your sexual history.

One of the most disturbing aspects of the community is the casual carceral feminism. The top comment on a post complaining about a man watching porn at full brightness and volume on his phone on the bus suggests the man should be put on the sex offender registry for this behavior. (Quick note: the evidence shows sex offender registries don’t protect anyone, end up ensnaring people for minor offenses like public urination or dating someone who’s 15 when they’re 17, and prevent people from renting apartments or getting jobs for the rest of their lives.)

Leaving aside the sex-negativity, gender essentialism, science and evidence denialism, misandry, and carceral feminism — my problem with radfems is the same as my problem with PUAs. They’re both obsessed with having sex. (I know, I know. Pot, meet kettle.) PUAs want to have it. Radfems want to avoid it. But neither seems able to see sex as a mutually beneficial exchange that’s often part of getting to know a whole, individual, unique person. We cheapen sex considerably when we treat it as a mere validation exercise or bargaining chip for commitment.

There’s nothing wrong, per se, with using sex to get validation or commitment. But to make that a goal or strategy reveals an incredibly impoverished view of sex and relationships.

Perhaps what saddens me most about this community is the promise. If you follow all the rules you get rewarded with… one guy who you can’t have kinky sex with, can’t talk about your sexual past with, and who’s not allowed to watch porn alone or with you.

I had the same problem with “The Rules.” It’s the same problem I have with all dating advice from aspiring and actual tradwives and radical feminists alike.

The biggest downside to taking dating advice from misogynists and misandrists is that your reward is a partner who validates y’all’s dim view of the other gender.

You’re right, ladies. There are plenty of men who won’t be able to handle my sexual past, don’t have the emotional capacity for more than one relationship, who have an unhealthy relationship to pornography, and who will lose respect for me if I have sex with them “too soon” after meeting.

Here’s the thing. I’m not interested in those men. I don’t want to catch them. I don’t want to keep them. I’m not sure I even want them to talk to me. I am not, in any lifetime, going to go out of my way to attract and pin down a man who is not capable of being with me in all my slutty, porn-watching, BDSM-curious, casual-sex having glory.

It’s not that I’m so invested in casual sex, non-monogamy, porn, or BDSM. I probably have, at best, a slight preference for them. What I care deeply about is that there’s not a damn thing wrong with any of those things. They’re not for everyone. But they are for some people. And those people should be able to enjoy them safely and peacefully and without stigma and shame. And any man who’s not on board with that is not someone I’m going to get along with!

I can’t imagine both thinking so lowly of most men and then going out of my way to pin one down. Just like I can’t imagine thinking of women as mere dumb fuck-objects and then going through weeks of training just to put my dick in one. Do something more rewarding with your time!

Then again, I’m single as fuck so take my advice with a grain of salt.