My problem with the discourse around "sexualization"

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One of my (many) hobbyhorses is the extent to which sex-negativity is the default in American culture.

In the wake of the Atlanta massage parlor shootings there has been an important discourse around the way Americans sexualize Asian women. And it’s certainly true that American pop culture does impose sexual stereotypes on Asian-presenting individuals. Examples include the “me so horny” bullshit, Dragon Lady stereotype, and the de-sexualization and emasculation of Asian men. No one should have to deal with people making assumptions about their sexuality based on their ethnicity.

I mean, in a perfect world no one would have to deal with people making assumptions about their sexuality based on any aspect of their appearance.

A funny bit my friend Nick and I ran across on YouTube did a surprisingly good job summing up my problem with the discourse around “sexualization.” This comedian I’d never heard of was saying how put off he was by an Instagram butt model’s complaints about being sexualized. The model had said she considers her work art, not porn.

My first, admittedly perhaps most pedantic and least important, problem with “sexualization” is at the conceptual level. What does it even mean to “sexualize” someone else? The vast majority of adult people are, by any reasonable definition, sexual. Most of us already have sexual thoughts and feelings. Most of us have engaged in sexual activity, or want to. There are really very few things as universal among humans as sexuality.

But, of course, some people are aesexual. In fact, I follow an aesexual OnlyFans creator and camgirl on Instagram. It would be reasonable to assume — based on the fact that she’s an adult human — that she’s sexual. Because the vast majority of us are. And it would be even more reasonable to assume that someone who literally, explicitly derives the majority of their income from their sex appeal is sexual. And you could even argue that her profession makes her “sexual,” depending on how you want to define “being sexual.”

And maybe she gets mad about people assuming she is “sexual” based on her occupation. Maybe she considers it “ace erasure.” I don’t know. I’ve never seen her complain about it.

What I’ve seen much more often is what the comedian was upset about.

The comedian and me are both bothered by the implicit assumption in “stop sexualizing us” and arguments over whether something is art or porn. The assumption being that being sexual is bad. Porn is bad. Art is good. Being a person is good. But you can either be a person or sexual. You can either make art or porn. You have to choose. And one is good and the other isn’t.

Why?

Why is being sexual bad? Why is porn bad?

The idea, I think, comes from the idea that sex makes things are either/or. You can be sexy or smart. You can make art or porn. You can be fully human or sexual, but not both. Which is insane. Because you can, demonstrably, be both sexy and smart (I mean you’re reading her). You can, demonstrably, make both art and porn. You can, demonstrably, be fully human and a sexual being. Most of us manage it just fine.

I would like to see more of the complaints about sexualization also interrogate and challenge the idea that being sexual is bad. Or dehumanizing. Or negative in any way. Because I feel like if we didn’t believe that making images that people jerk off to was bad then Instagram models wouldn’t feel the need to huffily protest that their butt selfies are “art.”

Would “stop sexualizing us” continue to be the rallying cry if we fully rejected the idea that there is anything wrong with “being sexual?”

In a perfect world, no one would have to deal with people making assumptions about their sexuality based on any aspect of their appearance. But is that the fight we really want to fight?

We should absolutely fight racist stereotyping.

But, if I’m honest, I don’t think the fight to make people stop assuming people who post butt selfies on the internet also like to have sex is a worthwhile one.

I think the fight worth having is against the idea that someone jerking off to your butt selfie somehow makes you less human.

Because when you stop to think about it, sexualizing someone isn’t doing them any harm unless you buy into the idea that sexuality is dehumanizing or shameful or bad in any way.

Again, I understand not wanting people to assume things about you. I don’t want people to assume I’m dumber than I am or meaner than I am or any negative things about me. But I don’t get the same level of upset when people assume good things about me. Or neutral things.

I don’t get upset when people assume that I have sex, and like having sex, and would like to have more sex. Not just because they’re right, but because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with any of those things. I cannot be “sexualized” by anyone because I am already sexual. And even if you could “sexualize” me, I cannot give a shit because I am not ashamed of being sexual.

And I think the world would be a better place if no one else was ashamed of it either.