I do want to get married!

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In a Facebook thread about yesterday’s post my friend William wrote: “Well I did walk away with the impression that men/husbands provide essentially no value to women (according to you) - I have no idea why a woman would want a relationship or marriage to a man based on what you just said.”

This was after the Boyfriend read it and went, “So I guess you don’t want to get married then.” I can’t imagine how a post entitled Men need women more than women need men that’s all about how marriage offers tons of value to men and little value to women would make one think I wasn’t big on marriage for women generally or this woman in particular??

But I’ll tell you what I told the Boif: “I’m not interesting in marrying the average man.”

I told William I’d clarify in a future post. He asked if perhaps I’d also clarify what I perceive as an average vs above-average man in terms of sexual/relationship market value. “As brutally honest as possible preferably.” Honey, I only come in that flavor.

First, a caveat (I love those). In case you’re new here: You may not learn much about the average woman’s preferences by reading about mine. I am — as I’ve been told many times and in no uncertain terms — a real weirdo.

That aside, for a long time I only dated men who earned pretty significantly above area median income. And I spent the vast majority of my post-divorce years in D.C. and San Francisco, where area median income is pretty high. I would have sex with and occasionally go on dates with poor men. But for ongoing romantic relationships, I discriminated hard on income. My reasoning was simple. I wanted to write Sex and the State full-time (which I’m DOING. BALLER.). Did I want this more than I wanted a life partner? Not necessarily. But I knew I didn’t want to have to choose. And I knew that if I chose someone who didn’t make more money than I did, we’d just both be poor. And if we’re both poor I’d always need a day job. I said I wasn’t willing to endure the hassle and stress of a primary romantic relationship unless it also increased my likelihood of getting to write Sex and the State full-time.

I also faced some economic insecurity growing up and am pretty motivated to avoid it in adulthood.

At the same time, I had plenty of chances to let a partner support me financially and go straight to writing Sex and the State full-time. I turned them all down, either because I didn’t like the men all that much or because I did like them but feared I’d stop liking them as much but stay because food and shelter are nice. I’m very afraid of depending on others generally speaking, which is something I’m working on in therapy.

I wasn’t willing to be with someone who didn’t make more money than me and also even if they did make more money than me I wasn’t willing to depend on them. I also wasn’t willing to commit to anyone who I wasn’t totally in love with and who wasn’t also totally in love with me.

Also all my boyfriends also had to be smarter than me. Sorry for obnoxious-ing but, that eliminated many candidates. Then I realized that a person who’s good at math and science but bad at English and philosophy isn’t necessarily smarter than a person for whom the reverse is true.

I also got a higher paying job and started my OnlyFans. Suddenly I had a reasonable chance of being able to do Sex and the State full-time in ten years with or without a high-earning partner.

That’s when being smarter than me and out-earning me stopped being dating requirements. Looking back, I was insecure about not being smart enough or making enough money.

I wanted a partner to make up for my perceived deficits. And to be fair, dating smart, ambitious, high-earning men wasn’t a bad move. I got to travel widely and have a lot of other wonderful experiences without having to shell out my own money. I learned a lot and improved my thinking. I believe learning from and being encouraged by financially successful, self-made people also increased my income. 10/10 would recommend.

At the same time, I ultimately wouldn’t settle for anyone who didn’t do all that as well as make me feel fun and sexy and obsession-worthy. I wouldn’t rest until I was with someone who set my loins on fire and whose loins I similarly ignited.

I’d wanted what I had with my first partner after my divorce. I wanted limerence. I wanted spontaneous “You are so beautiful” and extremely frequent, impassioned, and inventive intercourse after which there was much rhapsodizing about how much we love each other and how lucky we both are. I wanted someone who was deeply curious about my personal history and inner life. I mostly got high-earning ambitious brilliant Autistic STEM guys who were really good at thinking linearly and seemingly not as adept at feeling deeply. At least about me.

I tried to make all my relationships into that kind of relationship and in every case it just made us both tired and frustrated.

Okay, so what differentiates an average vs above-average man in terms of sexual/relationship market value? I’m not going to pretend intelligence and income don’t matter. They certainly do. All else equal, more is better than less of both. But for me, at this point, a man doesn’t need to have more than I do of either to be worth marrying.

For me, it’s all about the limerence and everything I said I had been looking for, plus asking great questions and letting me finish speaking even when I take pauses to think. It’s celebrating me for doing sex work to achieve my goals because it shows what a hard worker I am and how far I’ve come in ditching the sexual shame I was taught. It’s ambition, not necessarily around income or wealth but around something difficult and meaningful. It’s celebrating how competent I am and what a great life partner that makes me. It’s appreciating that while I might let you take care of me I don’t need to be taken care of. It’s not being threatened by the fact that many people want me but being flattered that out of everyone, I chose you. It’s understanding that neither of us can be everything to the other and that we need community to be healthy and fulfilled and encouraging each other to build and maintain that community. It’s seeing my intelligence, ambition, capability, attractiveness, talent, etc. not as threats, but as tremendous assets which benefit us both. It’s consistently choosing what’s best for each other in the long-term more than what’s comfortable for ourselves in the short-term. It’s appreciating that while you might not always like what I do or say, I’m going to be more honest and upfront with you than 99% of people would or could and you giving me the same. It’s two people being brutally honest with each other and themselves and trying desperately to grow and improve.

That, to me, is what makes a man above-average in terms of sexual/relationship market value. When/if I find all that, if he wants to get married and the tax impact isn’t too rough I do believe I’ll go for it.

So, my babies. What do you think? Agree or disagree? What did I miss?