I am having a sad about leaving San Francisco
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I am having a sad about leaving San Francisco. Tonight I was thinking about how difficult itās been for me to find community. Iām a weird person. In middle school my church youth group was having a lock-in at a laser tag place. I didnāt want to go, because I didnāt feel included. My former cheerleader stepmom, in frustration, literally scribbled out a āwritten invitation.ā
I went, begrudgingly, and spent a lot of the time alone. I tried talking to the other kids. But it was so awkward and strained. I didnāt know how to take an interest in a person, just topics. I still donāt know what was more off-putting, my chosen topics of conversation or mannerisms. And maybe I wasnāt off-putting at all (doubtful). But I felt off-putting. I felt rejected constantly.
As an adult, I spent a whole-ass year attending Ladies Club of Forest Lakes meetings trying to make friends with a woman in my neighborhood. It was a huge subdivision, and I hated driving. I figured there had to be someone I could befriend within walking distance. I did find someone, eventually. But somehow it never occurred to me that perhaps a club devoted to topics like childcare and decorating for the holidays was not a target-rich environment for me.
My first two years in San Francisco were unspeakably lonely. Itās not like I was totally isolated. I had a few good friends and an awesome partner. But my ānesting partnerā didnāt really like me that much, as we both slowly came to realize as we tried cohabitating after years of long-distance. I worked from home. And I certainly didnāt have a community.
Iām afraid of facing that loneliness again. Iāll have my family. But I donāt have community there. Iāve felt comfortable showing up as my whole self more in San Francisco than any other place. As a result, to the extent Iāve been embraced by any community itās felt more full than ever before.
I want to record this sadness and fear. Not because I think itās permanent or important, but because I think itās neither. I think itāll be easy to forget it as I start making this new life.
Moving to SF wasnāt easy. It was hard in ways I didnāt anticipate. But it was more than worth the trouble. Moving to Alabama is sad and scary. But Iām pretty confident itāll be worth the trouble. But I donāt want to forget or downplay how much trouble it is.
Humans, I believe, tend to be too risk-averse. I think our fear chains us. Iām trying to remind myself that SF wasnāt worth it because it was easy. It was worth it because I grew. It was worth it because it was interesting. It was worth it because I couldnāt figure out how to have these experiences anyplace else.
Iām writing this to remind myself that Iāve tried to do what I can to make this move reasonably easy and safe. But itās never going to be easier or safer than staying put. Iām doing it scared. Iām doing it knowing itāll be awful in ways I donāt anticipate. Iām writing this to remind myself that it being hard isnāt a failure on my part. Itās just part of the process.
ā Humans, I believe, tend to be too risk-averse. I think our fear chains us. ā This is such an important truth - for small things as well as big things. ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø