Happy Pride! Gay sex is boring

It’s Pride month. So, naturally, I’m thinking about shame.

Specifically, I’m remembering learning, in my Southern Baptist churches, that gay sex was a sin. And it was a very, very bad one at that. In retrospect, this is a very weird thing to think, much less say. Someone please alert the Southern Baptists that they can, in fact, just not think about gay sex. That is always an option.

It’s even weirder that so many ostensibly straight people are still so obsessed with gay sex.

As an ostensibly straight kid, I was very worried about being gay.

Well, not gay, exactly. I knew, without a doubt, from a very young age, that I was sexually attracted to men. So that must have been a relief? I still worried, however, that I was also attracted to women.

This is one of those zillions of situations in which, even with the bullshit shame and stigma, more and more accurate information about sex would have been helpful.

Then again, if not for the shame, I would have had that information.

If I’d known better, I wouldn’t have worried so much. As it turns out, many, many bisexual women are in happy-enough sexual relationships with men. I’ve discovered this as a result of them being very loud about being “erased” on the internet.

As a Southern Baptist kid, I couldn’t imagine any part of sexual attraction being anything other than a huge fucking deal. I won’t blame my horniness entirely on the Southern Baptist church. But I’ll certainly blame them for how bad I felt about it.

I was so afraid because I couldn’t imagine being attracted to women in any other way than the insistent, obsessive, and hard-to-ignore way I was sexually attracted to men.

I remember asking my high school best friend if I could kiss her… to make sure I wasn’t gay. Another time I asked to squeeze her boob. In this case I mostly wanted to know if hers had a different handfeel. In both cases, I felt so relieved to not feel turned on. Apparently, in my mind, kissing and fondling her stood in for kissing and fondling all women.

What a waste of time and energy to worry about being gay as a child. What’s worse is that I shamed other people.

I found out my high school best friend was bisexual via the internet. I asked her why she hadn’t told me. We’d taken a bath together, I said. Didn’t I deserve to know? I’d been lied to my whole life by a rape cult that told me she was a threat to me. Now I realize that as a queer kid in early aughts Alabama, she was the one in danger because of people like me.

In the year of our Lord 2024, a bunch of moms with too much time on their hands showed up to a Huntsville City Council meeting to complain about gay books in the library.

Every single prediction homophobes made in the 1980s and 1990s about gay acceptance has been proven false.

Ma’am, you need to worry about the Southern Baptist Convention, not Johnny has Two Dads. Microplastics pose a threat to your child. Drag queens do not. I think I speak for the entire Homosexual Agenda when I say that we do not care whether your kids are gay. We, unlike you, just want them to be safe.

Maybe, back then, the homophobes were mistaken. Today, we know they’re lying.

I wonder which class-action lawsuit would have more plaintiffs in Alabama:

1. People who found out their beloved, non-homophobic pastor was a cross dresser

2. Hourly, low-wage employees cheated out of overtime pay and breaks

For some reason *cough* corporate donors *cough* 1819 News outed a beloved, non-homophobic pastor. He later took his own life. I eagerly await their wage theft expose.

I was a real homophobic shitbag for a real long time. I will never be able to come close to making up for that harm. But, absolutely to brag, I have also shared what I hope were pleasurable sexual experiences with a respectable number of queers of various genital, gender, and orientation configurations. (Mostly after most of my homophobic shitbaggery. Not in a downlow kinda way.)

Here’s a question. Was it gay sex when I sucked a trans man’s dick? How about when I sucked a trans woman’s girldick? When I sucked a cis man’s dick, did it make it gay that another cis man helped me?

Who, truly, gives a fuck? What a boring-ass question.

Your mileage may vary. But in my personal experience, it’s difficult for me to convey in words just how little any of it matters. Grinding girldick? Great. Sucking AFAB cock? Awesome. It’s all kinda just sex.

Judging a sexual experience by the extent to which the right parts worked in the right way is kinda like, I don’t know, judging a Michelin star restaurant by whether they faithfully reproduce your grandmother’s recipe. Expand your horizons.

Judging a sexual experience as immoral or harmful based on this criteria is super fucked-up.

One gay experience really stands out to me right now. We were in bed, about to get down, and this person asked if we could have sex like lesbians. Soon after, she came out as trans.

It reminds me of one of my favorite memories from OnlyFans. A man paid me to tell him to suck a dildo and then fuck himself with it. Getting people off is gratifying. But there’s something soul-fulfilling about being a safe place for people to be themselves.

I can’t fix the macroeconomic circumstances and institutional incentives that promote and reward the culture wars. Gay sex is such a stupid, boring thing to argue about when there are real problems to address.

But I can remember having created space for people to live in their queerness. And I can write a post in my little newsletter and make it free so more people can read about how boring gay sex is. Because I don’t care who you have sex with. But please, stop fucking over your workers.

Happy Pride.