Don't wait for anyone to choose you

Welcome to Sex and the State, a newsletter about human connection. To support my life’s work, upgrade to a paid subscription, buy one of my guides, follow me on OnlyFans, follow me on Twitter, support me on Patreon, or just share this post 🙏

~~~~~

I took a Domme class shortly before leaving SF. This was back when I was looking for more ways to earn money quickly to save up and retire and do this full-time. (I am not retired I’m just optimistic my subscriptions will cover my living expenses.)

I am not a Domme, pro or amateur. But the class was useful for a few things. First, I discovered that Dommeing is not something I have a ton of desire to pursue at the moment. Second, it contained a lot of advice that’s been useful for various situations.

I remembered one such piece of advice while chatting with Maude recently. She told me she related to my lack of a plan in relation to her romantic situation. “What do I do?” she asked.

The advice in the Domme class was to set goals that don’t require one or a few people to choose you.

The instructor gave the class an example of a young woman who really wanted to be a runway model. Unfortunately, this is a goal that involves a lot of luck. First, you must be genetically blessed in a very specific way. Second, you have to get in front of one of the few people who can decide to hire you. Third, one of those few people have to choose you.

At some point, this woman decided that instead of beating her head against the wall trying to be a runway model, she would become an erotic model. Runway modeling means trying to get in front of and impress one of, I don’t know, a few thousand agents? With erotic modeling there are hundreds of thousands of photographers and millions of potential buyers.

The young woman ended up succeeding loving it and making money and being super happy.

For another example, look at me. Let’s say my goal were to get a book deal from a major publishing house. That would require me to get in front of one of, maybe a few hundred? agents who could make this happen for me and impress them enough to choose me. Instead, my goal is to get enough paid Substack subscribers to keep writing this newsletter full-time until I croak. And self-publish some guides and maybe self-publish a book at some point.

Your odds are shit, and you have little control over the outcome, when the outcome depends on a few people choosing you a lot. Your odds are better, and you have more control over the outcome, when the outcome depends on a lot of people choosing you a little bit.

Absolutely to brag, but when it comes to friendships, hobbies, volunteering, and especially my writing, my effort seems to correlate shockingly well with my success. The one area that doesn’t hold true at all is my romantic relationships. I’ve long wondered why.

I think I may have stumbled on the answer.

I think for myself, and a lot of people, romantic love ends up being like runway modeling or a book deal, but with worse odds. I have a habit of emotionally and mentally fixating on one person at a time (even when I’m dating and having sex with many people). Which means if my goal is to love and be loved romantically, success ends up depending on whoever I’m fixated on choosing me.

I don’t know that there’s any fix to that. But what I’ve learned to do is to stop making any other kind of goal contingent on that one. I moved into a rent-controlled studio while single. I bought a condo while single. I moved to a place where it’s probably going to be difficult to find men to date. I’m not holding any goal of mine hostage to whether one motherfucker chooses me. So if I wanted to buy a house, have a kid, move, etc. I would find a way to erotic model that shit. Find a way to make it happen with a lot of people choosing you a little bit, rather than waiting for one person to choose you a lot.

I can’t tell you how to find love. But I can tell you how to keep it moving in the interim. Because at the end of the day, that’s all we have. And at the end of the day, going hard after anything beats the hell out of waiting for anyone to choose you.

Header images come from me putting the headline text into OpenAI’s DALL-E.