Don't chase happiness, chase relationships

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Maybe I’m weird in this, but I’ve never really striven for happiness. It always seemed kind of self-serving, boring, and (perhaps most importantly) impossible to obtain. I’ve always been kind of a miserable fuck. And I suspect I always will be.

I even told my therapist going in that happiness wasn’t my goal. My goal, I told him, was to do less unnecessary suffering. (I think it’s working. My suffering is certainly more interesting now.)

I have read a lot about happiness, however. At least three things have stuck with me. First, some researchers believe everyone has a baseline level of happiness. Your genes and your childhood determine your baseline. This baseline has bands. Think of it like your potential to be good at basketball. Your genes and your childhood determine how good or bad you could possibly be at basketball. Your choices in adulthood determine where you’re going to be in that band of possibilities. If you do nothing you’ll remain at the bottom of the band. If you devote every waking moment to getting better and make good choices, you’ll be at the top. But no matter what you do, if you didn’t enter adulthood with the right genes and childhood, you’ll never be good enough to go pro. Similarly, even if Lamar Odom had never picked up a basketball in his life, his genes and childhood nutrition alone means he’d probably still trounce me if we met up and decided to play one-on-one.

Happiness is the same way. You can get to the top of your band with the right circumstances and choices. And you can hang out near the bottom with the wrong ones. But the interesting thing is that most people, most of the time, spend most of their lives pretty near their baseline. Win the lottery, and you’ll revert back to your baseline eventually. Become paraplegic, and the same thing will happen.

I was reminded of the second and third thing watching this video:

The second thing is the happiness paradox. Turns out my refusal to pursue happiness might be something other than mild dysthymia. It simply doesn’t work. People who try to be happy are the least happy.

It actually is possible to become happier over time. You can live near the top of your band, above the baseline set in childhood. It’s rare. But it can be done.

So what actually does make people happier?

Some researchers believe you can become happier if you go hard in the paint optimizing in five areas. SPIRE: Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Relational, Emotional. Go after the things that lead to happiness rather than the happiness directly.

Of the five, relationships are the most impactful.

“The number-one predictor of happiness is quality time we spend with people we care about and who care about us.” Increasing the quality of our relationships is also the very most effective thing we can do to help ensure we grow through hardships rather than being marred by them. And again, going back to previous posts, social support is the biggest difference between whether or not an experience traumatizes us.

I think maybe going after happiness directly doesn’t work because happiness needs fertile soil to grow. It’s like yelling at a plant to bloom without giving it soil or water or sunlight. The best you can do is to reduce your own suffering. But that doesn’t lead to happiness because happiness requires meaning and meaning requires suffering.

The things that give our lives meaning — growth, connection, purpose — often come with some level of discomfort. Growth is often painful. Connecting with people often involves getting your feelings hurt sometimes. Pursuing your purpose often requires you to do things that are difficult in the moment.

I think the fact that it’s possible to raise your baseline level of happiness by getting close to other people is one of the most hopeful, interesting, meaningful findings in social science. Is there anything connection can’t do?