Changing my mind on porn, changing my gut
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I recently came across some new research via Dr. Justin Lehmiller (huge fan) showing that porn use is only linked to relationship dissatisfaction when one partner uses it alone and the other doesn't. In fact, "Partners who watch pornography together report higher relationship and sexual satisfaction than partners who do not, and notably, this association was not moderated by gender,ā the authors write. When porn is a problem, itās less about the porn itself and more about solo porn use by one partner but not the other being a symptom of dissimilar sex drives.
This finding backs up other research showing porn may be linked to easier, better orgasms for women. Another studyĀ found that viewing porn āwas associated with their own and their partnerās higher sexual desire and with higher odds of partnered sexual activityā for women.
Another study found that couples who watched porn together āreported more open sexual communication and greater closeness than those that did not.āĀ
Another study found that most partnered people report āno negative effectsā of porn on their relationship. In fact, many thought that watching porn improved their sexual communication, sexual experimentation, and sexual comfort.
A recent paper argues that for some, viewing porn is associated with health-promoting behaviors, including increased intimacy, more solo masturbation, and feelings of acceptance. Porn might be the only healthy way to experience sexuality for LGBTQIA+ people or kinky or poly folks who live in conservative parts of the country.
This matters because Evangelical groups like NCOSE and Exodus Cry are waging a war on porn based on lies about pornography.
Legislators in 16 states have passed resolutions declaring that pornography, in its ubiquity, constitutes a public-health crisis. The wave of bills startedĀ five years ago, with Utah, which went a step further this spring by passing a lawĀ mandating that allĀ cellphones and tablets sold in the state block access to pornography by default. (The measure will not go into effect unless five other states pass similar laws, but thatās very possible: Alabama is now consideringĀ a similar bill.)
Groups such as theĀ National Center on Sexual Exploitation, an anti-obscenity nonprofit thatĀ produced model legislationĀ for the porn-blocking bill and the public-health-crisis bills, argue that pornography increases problematic sexual activity among teens, normalizes violence against women, contributes to sex trafficking, causes problems in intimate relationships, and is āpotentially biologically addictive.ā
The truth is that porn isnāt harmful for the vast majority of users, provides real, measurable benefits to many users, and isnāt particularly addictive. Feeling ashamed of watching porn is more strongly correlatedĀ with believing youāre addicted to porn than how much porn you actually watch. Religiosity is actually theĀ best predictorĀ of self-perceived sexual-use problems, like pornography addiction.
As I write this Iām procrastinating doing my gut hypnotherapy. I kind of hate doing it. Iām supposed to relax, but I never really do. I just lay there trying to relax and conjure up the images Iām told to visualize. But I keep getting distracted with thoughts of all the other things I want or need to do. Iām not in a 17th-century apothecary, Nerva. Iām on my bed and Iād rather be doing many other things right now than trying to imagine that I am.
There was a time that I was vehemently anti-porn. I cringe thinking back to how I used to shame my now ex-husband about looking at porn while we were dating long-distance. The churches I grew up in taught that porn was evil. It ruined marriages before they began. If my husband watched porn heād always unfavorably compare me to the actresses who were younger, thinner, and better lit and heād be dissatisfied with me as a result. If he watched too much porn heād eventually lose interest in sex with me altogether in favor of masturbating alone to pornography.
I literally didnāt know any better. Iād never really watched porn. Iād never read any legitimate studies of porn. Iād never talked to porn actresses or talked openly with men who used porn about their experiences.
I did have a friend who knew more about the topic than me try to change my mind in college. Lauren, youāre the shit. But I wasnāt ready to listen then.
The Evangelical church took advantage of the fact that I was already insecure about my body. Thanks to puritanical bullshit, Iād rarely seen what real women look like naked. The womenās bodies I saw were mostly via media, where theyāre overwhelmingly young, thin, and airbrushed to perfection.
But once I got new information and had new experiences, I changed my mind. Now, one could argue I might have overcorrected a tad by going from hating pornography and shaming people for looking at it to, you know, making and selling it. But what can I say? I commit.
Thatās one the things Iām most proud of. Not the tendency to overcorrect. Or that I donāt always come to the right conclusion at first. But when I know better, I tend to do better. This, in and of itself, is something Iāve put effort toward cultivating. Iāve tried, with some success, to put more effort into becoming more right and less into seeming right.
This demonstrated ability to change my mind and behavior gives me hope with the gut stuff. I do have the capacity for change. It might not be today or tomorrow. It might not be through this hypnotherapy app. Or any form of hypnotherapy. But itās possible that I can change myself for the better over time.
I have no idea what the āhating porn to making pornā pipeline equivalent will be for gut health. But if I know myself, Iāll commit.
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