A comprehensive guide to your first play party
Welcome to Sex and the State, a newsletter about power. Iām a writer working on decriminalizing and destigmatizing all things sex. I synthesize empirical evidence, stories, and personal experience to interrogate existing power structures to propose new, hopefully better, ways of relating. To support my work, buy a subscription, follow me on OnlyFans, or just share this post!
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I originally wrote this post few years ago for the Organ House blog. OH! was a Bay Area play party organization whose mission was to normalize non-monogamy and sexual exploration.
I was an OH!member for a few years until their closure circa 2019 and have attended other play events as well. Iāve been practicing polyamory (with a few short dips into monogamy) for a decade now. Below is a lightly edited version of that post.
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This post is geared toward someone whoās considering attending their first play party. Keep in mind a lot of this is my opinion and based on my own experience, and your mileage may vary. Hereās what Iāve learned along the way that might help you.
First of all, calm down. This isnāt anything crazy, I promise. Itās basically a house party, but the guests are sex-positive and if you want to fuck one of them you donāt have to leave the party.
Thereās no pressure. I promise. Itās 100% okay if you donāt have sex at the play party. Itās 100% okay if you donāt kiss anyone. Itās actually even 100% okay if you donāt talk to anyone. Sometimes I go to a sex party and just talk to my friends. Sometimes I fuck one of my friends and then leave. Sometimes I go and need to find a quiet corner because Iām socially anxious as fuck. Itās all fine.
And in my experience, there are lots of benefits to going to a sex party other than having sex. For me, the best thing Iāve gotten from sex parties is an amazing group of sex-positive friends. Sex parties have made me more confident about my body. Itās interesting seeing what real people look like naked (itās not like on TV!). My body isnāt perfect, but now I know that when I feel good inside I can walk around naked confidently.
Sex parties have shown me, in a way mainstream porn canāt, how varied and interesting sex is in real life. I love knowing what other peopleās real sex faces look like! Sex parties have made me feel closer to partners. (And theyāve made me feel farther from partners, more on that later).
If youāre down, I think thereās a lot to be gained from going to sex parties. Hereās how to make the most of your first one and avoid some common mistakes.
How to prepare mentally
As much as possible, get to know the rules/norms of the party youāre going to before you go. Play parties come in a few varieties.
Here are some things you could research:
Is it more poly or swinger?
Is it more gay, straight, or anything goes?
Whatās the age range?
Whatās the gender split?
Is it trans-friendly?
Is it a diverse and inclusive space for people of color (POC)?
Is it drug- and alcohol-friendly or a sober space?
Do you have to BYOB?
Is it more cuddle party or fuck-fest?
Is it BDSM-heavy or light or no BDSM?
Is it application-only or open to the public?
What are the rules for bringing new people?
What are the rules around consent?
Finding out as much as possible about what to expect ahead of time helps you prepare mentally, helps you feel comfortable in the scene easier, and helps you prevent any social faux pas.
People of color may have additional considerations when preparing for a play party. First, you may want to investigate how racially diverse the party tends to be. A few years into its existence OH! added a Diversity & Inclusivity team, and the team asked Bay Area poly POC about their perspectives on common misconceptions about POC in poly communities. One common response was that every POC's lived experience is unique. You canāt assume someoneās experience with oppression/marginalization, capacity for social justice, or level of āwokeness,ā for example, based on their skin color.
Our friends from the Kinky People of Color (KPOC) community put it simply: āThere are some POC who are at a point in their life where they only want to be in POC spaces. On the other end of that spectrum, there are POC who don't care about the diversity of the space or may even feel more comfortable if it were primarily white.ā
However you feel about the racial makeup and diversity of your play spaces, itās a good thing to consider before choosing a party.
Once youāve thought about these questions, itās time to choose a party. For beginners, Iād recommend invite-only, high-consent, poly play parties.
One thing I liked about OH! was that at no point was everyone engaged in some kind of sex act. So if youāre new or nervous or just want to talk, there was always someone to talk to. And the consent culture and invite-only nature makes it safer, in my experience, than any nightclub Iāve ever been to.
Whatever your flavor of party, youāre going to have the best time if you go into it with a mindset of low expectations, high possibilities (a phrase borrowed from our friends at Bonobo Network). As much as possible, leave your goals at the door. Except goals like having a good time, meeting new people, and having fun.
If youāre nervous, remember that at many of these parties there are people there devoted to being there for you emotionally. If you need someone to talk to, hang out with, or just not be by yourself thatās what theyāre there for. At OH! they were called CARE Fairies. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always ask someone at the party to point you to an organizer.
As much as possible, be prepared to be the person who makes the first move. āI have one immutable truth to share with you: kinky people are all nerds, and most nerds are awkward,ā Chingy writes at Autostraddle. Truth.
Most people are nervous. Most people feel awkward. Be the person who introduces themselves. Offer a sincere compliment, etc. It may feel like everyone knows each other already, but youāre not the only new person there, I promise. Find someone (or a couple) standing by themselves and walk up to them. Maybe it wonāt lead to anything but a nice conversation. Thatās okay.
If youāre worried about not having anyone to talk to or anything to do, volunteer! Itās a great way to meet people, always have something to do, and youāll probably get a free ticket out of it!
On the topic of nervousness, Iām often tempted to turn to substances when Iām feeling social anxiety. Now for social anxiety and other reasons, I do love a good substance. But Iād recommend caution with substances and play parties. Especially when youāre new. I once had to be basically carried out of a (non-OH!) play party when too much ketamine plus Whip-Its sent me into a dissociative state. Thank God I came with friends who I could trust to take the wheel.
To each their own, but here are some (in some cases hard-won) rules of thumb:
Donāt do substances before you arrive. You may find once you arrive that you donāt need it as much as you thought you did, and you canāt undrink/snort/etc. it.
Donāt take something you havenāt taken before at or before your first play party. One new thing at a time.
If youāre on substances, proactively disclose what youāre on to anyone you play with.
And under no circumstances should you get too inebriated to consent. If you do, any decent play party organizer is going to send you home. Organ Houseās Consent Culture required that you be able to give and perceive consent.
While weāre on being in the right state of mind, remember to eat and hydrate before, during, and after.
STDs and STIs
If you have an STD or STI, youāre still very much welcome at many parties. Be ready to tell partners when you were last tested and the results. Youāre expected to disclose your status to play partners before they take a risk theyāre unaware of. Most play parties will have safer sex supplies on hand, but if you have a favorite kind/brand of condom or whatever, consider bringing some.
What to wear
If the party has a theme and encourages costumes, put together a costume. Youāll be more confident, and itāll give anyone who might want to approach you something neutral to comment on. I was talking to a woman about being awkward at play parties once and we laughed over the fact that her go-to conversation opener of complimenting someoneās outfit is a lot harder when theyāre naked.
If the party doesnāt have a theme, or you canāt get a costume together, club-wear or lingerie always works.
At Autostraddle, Chingy shares her awesome strategy: She wears a tank top that broadcasts some of her interests. What a great idea for a conversation starter! Here are more great options for women. Men definitely have a harder time in this arena, but you canāt go wrong in well-fitting underwear.
And if all else fails, itās the one party where itās socially acceptable to just be naked! So donāt stress about your outfit.
Grooming
Take a shower. Donāt worry about body hair. In my experience, pube-wise most people are going to be bare or neatly trimmed. But donāt worry about it. Do whatever makes you comfortable. Iāve definitely rocked a play party with a decent-sized bush. Just donāt shave right before you go, because tiny cuts can open you up to infections.
Who to go with
Honestly, I think this is the most underrated part of the whole experience. Who you go with can really make or break your play party. I shudder to think of what might have happened if Iād been with friends who didnāt have my back when I got too fucked up, for instance. Make sure youāre taking care of whoever you go with and theyāre taking care of you.
For the best experience possible, make damn sure you and your partner/date/friend/person are on the same page about expectations before you go. That means you need to talk beforehand about every possibility. What is allowed? What is expected? What happens when someone wants to play with one of you and not the other? What happens when you meet a cute person you want to play with? What happens if one of you wants to leave? Are you there to primarily play with each other or to play with others? Decide ahead of time.
This is definitely easier said than done. It may take more than one conversation. It may take some vulnerability to admit you want your partner to prioritize you at the party, for instance. But being honest with yourself and your partner at the outset can save you a lot of heartache later on.
How to get down
If you want to have sex with someone, Iāve found it infinitely easier to get in on some action thatās already happening than to move from conversation to sex. In my experience, itās easiest with a partner.
Hereās my strategy. Find a spot on a mat next to a person or some people you might want to play with, and ask them if you can take that spot. If theyāre down, sit down and start playing with your partner/s. Make some friendly eye contact to gauge interest/receptiveness. If youāre getting good vibes, itās time for the old āCan I kiss you?ā
Though really āCan I kiss you?ā works in pretty much every context at a play party, in my experience. Many people are going to say yes, and those who donāt are going to be cool about it.
Dos
Do take anything other than āfuck yes!ā as a no and respect that no. Donāt ask twice. Itās hard to say no. Donāt make it harder.
Donāts
Donāt stare. Donāt interrupt a scene. Donāt be on your phone.
What about you? What are your questions that we didnāt address here? What are your tips for first timers?
Most things that are meaningful to me I learned from a woman... Thank you for sharing this.
In the Bay Area, Mission Control is a good group to look into. Their Kinky Salon parties are great fun even if you never go into the "play area" or flirt with any strangers. A bit like a Ruckus and Rumpus show with the option of getting down on premises.